The hard heart is NO joke when it comes to being on the receiving end.
To feel the effects of their lack of consideration, respect, simple compassion, and kindness. To all of a sudden feel such coldness and even hatred, when this person used to make you feel so loved and secure.
It will honestly make you question reality. “Did this person EVER love me? How could a person that loved me, overnight turn into someone that doesn’t seem to care about my well-being at all???”
Their actions can make you come to the conclusion that this is impossible to overcome and they must have never loved you or they would not be able to do this.
This is NOT coming from the real them.
That is the hard heart. And I will tell you. MANY refuse to believe it can be that simple. To the point, they have not studied the hard heart at all. “Ok, so what. They have a hard heart. What does that even mean? It has to be more than that, and I won’t blame what they are doing simply on a hard heart, it has be much more than that.”
Let’s dive in.
First, we did not come up with this term. It’s a diagnosis as to why divorce happens and it was assigned by JESUS Himself when He was being tested and questioned about divorce.
But Jesus told them, “Moses wrote this commandment for you because of your hardness of heart. Mark 10:5
Jesus was telling us, that the reason divorce happens is that a man’s heart goes hard. If we don’t understand really what this means, we can confuse it with a cold heart. “Well duh? Of course they went cold and turned unloving.”
The hard heart is not a cold heart that is reflecting a cold love because all of a sudden the heart went into a climate change.
The hard heart became void of OIL. It was a change in substance, it dried out when the oil of the Lord departed. That made it seem to show the fruit of a heart gone cold. But in truth, it’s a heart gone HARD.
Hardness of heart–4641. Sklérokardia
4641 sklērokardía (from 4642 /sklērós, “hard because dry” and 2588 /kardía, “heart”) – properly, hardness of heart because of a lack of moisture (lubricant); an obstinate, hard heart which lacks the oil of the Holy Spirit and hence implies rebellion – i.e someone refusing to be receptive (obedient) to God’s inworking of faith. See 4642 (sklēros).
4642. skléros-properly, hard (because dried out); (figuratively) stiff, stubborn (unyielding) describing people who “won’t budge” (bend, submit), or what is unyieldingly harsh.
Jesus is saying that when a person turns toward rebellion, starts to consider going against God and is enticed to sin, they are basically saying “Yes to sin. No to God” And that is when the departure of the oil takes place which dries up the heart.
What you see in your spouse has nothing to do with their TRUE self. What you see, the coldness, the meanness, the uncaring, unloving, actions, and behavior is coming from a heart that has suddenly been transformed by the vacancy of God’s Holy Spirit.
Do we have living proof of this? Ask any group of Standers.
—-Did your spouse suddenly turn away from Godly morals, values, beliefs?
—–Did they suddenly turn away from people they loved dearly? Family, parents, church family and friends? Their very own CHILDREN?
—–Did they suddenly turn away from God completely, explore another religion, or alter their belief in God saying “God is ok with me being in adultery because He wants me happy and not in a loveless marriage. I repented so God forgave me.”
—–Have you witnessed a person that once was kind and loving, turn cold, compassionate?
—-Do they now drink? Smoke? Do drugs? Swear? Watch things on TV or make obscene comments about the opposite sex? Do they now speak of hatred toward things they once believed in or loved?
—–Do they suddenly appear to be someone you don’t know? And has made you question how did you not see this? How did they change so suddenly that could this be the real them and you are just now seeing it? Has your spouse even said that? “This is who I really am and I am finally free to be me.”
That is not the real them. That is what happens when the oil of the Lord leaves the heart and the heart is no longer protected.
In 1 Corinthians 5, Paul is presented with a situation where a man is having a relationship with his fathers wife. which breaks the law of Leviticus 18:8. What does he say to do about this act of being guilty with another man’s wife? Which is what adultery is? vs 5 hand this man over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved
Ephesians says “they gave themselves over”
Eph 4:18 They are darkened in their understanding and alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardness of their hearts. 19 Having lost all sense of shame, they have given themselves over to sensuality for the practice of every kind of impurity, with a craving for more.
hand myself over–3860. paradidómi–to make oneself the slave of lasciviousness(desire, lust, lewdness)
Hardness of hearts, when the Oil of the Holy Spirit is not present, creates an IGNORANCE, which alienates them from God, and keeps them in the dark.
THIS IS WHY THEY MUST REPENT! I can’t stress this enough. Coming home and saying “I am sorry for what I did.” is not enough. And why they left and turned themselves over to the enemy, over to lusts and desire of the flesh, is not because they were unhappy with YOU. Please be free of this blame.
This is a spiritual problem. A spiritual issue with the heart. A problem between YOUR spouse and God. The hard heart is what occurred and was allowed to occur so that your spouse would experience all the bad and evil that occurs when the oil departs, and evil takes over.
A child of God is NEVER going to be at peace or truly happy in this place. If you watch or read testimonies of restored couples, they are going to testify to this truth. The heart seeks to be happy. To rebel against God, they may lie and tell you how happy they are, and better off without you, but a true child of God can’t enjoy this place of alienation from God.
God has a plan. It’s called the hard heart because it helps to ensure their return back to Him. WE HATE IT because we bear the brunt of that hardness. We get so hurt by the fruit of that hard heart. But guess what. It was because of my husband’s hard heart, that I could not allow him to remain my idol. The hard heart of my husband toward me, caused ME to come to know my true love!
Hard hearts are NO joke. They bring so much pain and suffering to the person that has it, to their family and spouse. BUT If the benefit didn’t outweigh the pain, then God would have not allowed the hard heart to happen. He would never allow the oil to be removed out of the heart.
NOTE: “My spouse is not a believer. How could they have the oil of the Holy Spirit in their hearts?”
1 Corinthians 7:14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband.
If you study what sanctified means, it was a setting apart to be made holy for God’s use and purpose, the OIL was used in this ceremony. When YOU, a believer marries an UNbeliever, God wants YOUR children to be holy, set apart and clean! To do this, He makes your spouse sanctified by the Holy Spirit.
CEV 1 Corinthians 7:14 Your husband or wife who isn’t a follower is made holy by having you as a partner. This also makes your children holy and keeps them from being unclean in God’s sight.
Don’t allow yourself to fall into unbelief surrounding the hard heart. This is where I struggled a lot with “It is well with my soul.” Because No, I was not okay with it, but knew that I needed to be, so God’s perfect will and plan would come to pass.
Standing with you,
Sheila Hollinger
Resources
IF our ministry has blessed you, and you want to SOW in faith into marriage restoration and the work God is doing, would you consider GIVING?
ebooks & Magazines
YouTube
Email Devotional & Support
FB support group,
ZOOM meetings
Want to be a Guest Writer?
(~Marriage Revealed Ministries Inc. is committed to helping bring healing and restoration to couples who are struggling in their marriage. We do this through the revelation of Who God is and His heart and design for marriage which never intends abuse in any form. If you suspect abuse in your relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit them online at thehotline.org~
Wow!!!
I needed to read this, for my husband who I believe never truly knew God, and now after 3 years of dealing with his hard heart I have started to have a hard heart. I have in ways turned away from God. I started talking to guys thinking that would numb the pain of my heart, I began smoking again, and now even drinking. I even slept with two guys. And in all honesty I don’t feel any better for it. I feel worse. But I think if I can numb it then it will be okay if I just continue to do it. I miss my husband and I guess I started taking this path to stop missing him. This has now just as much to do with me as it has, and continues to do with my husband. We are earthly divorced since he forced it through this past January. I did not want it and continued to stand. But I guess I became hopeless after seeing how oblivious my existence is to him. I love God, but I just felt that even though he restores marriages, that again I am not going to be one of the lucky ones, because we weren’t even able to have children after 15 years of marriage. Hopeless is the word. I don’t even feel anything about expecting or living anymore. I just keep going without any direction or heart. I really don’t want to be this way. I just feel very lost again and drowning in it all. Thank you for this writing. I just hope it penetrates to change back to the better me I use to be or even more so.
Hello Kambria, I am going to copy and paste your reply into our Standers United group on Facebook, where you will have many there to pray for you. We welcome you to join us in the group if you have not already. I won’t post the name, just what you wrote. God will lead you back to Him and help you find your way. He loves and cares for you to much to allow you to remain wandering from the flock. Remember Jesus will leave the 99 to go after that ONE lost one? That is how much He considers you important. The hurt you feel, may be just more than coming from your husband, You may feel God has let you down by allowing this to happen. That is not how it works. He allows this to happen to change YOUR heart. So many have said, the hard heart of the spouse is exactly what had to happen to wake up the other spouse. I pray you will come into our FB group so we can talk more. Blessings, Sheila
Hi there
I always love you insight and revelation but I do have a question this time.
You mentioned that God can release a person from a marriage ?
I met a devoted Christian woman recently she has been divorced 8 years now and her husband has been standing for restoration – she feels she has been released and wants him to move on.
Is it not possible that it’s just another kind of hardened heart?
I do believe there are people that can let go or suppress the past easier than others and I wonder if that isn’t more the truth than actual release ?
I often ponder this idea of release especially lately as my husband has recently remarried and I have been standing 6 years . He believes he has been released too.
If what you say is possible then praying for his soul is kind of a pointless issue?
I believe marriage is a kingdom teaching , what I mean by that is if you didn’t know Christ got married and then divorced and later gave your life to Christ – if God says all sins forgiven and you are new then it means all sins.
For Christians that understand covenant till death parts us do you truly believe release is possible?
For me it creates a bit of confusion as to do we always line up our actions and choices to the word or not ?
Is it maybe you have some scriptures that explain this ?
I know marriage divorce and remarriage is such a contentious issue especially if there has been a long 2nd marriage and children involved.
For some this may even come across as legalistic but I think we confuse legalising with obedience.
Would love your insight please
Thanks Rose
Please stand with me in prayer My husband and I have been married for three years and have two beautiful daughters later. In February 2020 I gave birth to our second daughter and In March I traveled to my home country to go sort out baby’s Documents and boom just like that his heart became so hard towards me and he asked for a Divorce over the phone. I am still standing for my marriage please pray for totally for restoration because this was a man who relationship with God I admired so much🥺
Because there are those who are in a marriage that God never intended, I sometimes have to include this in my articles. For example, we had a woman standing, being told by many that she should not quit. No one realized she had divorced her husband to marry a man online and help him get his greencard. She said he was the love of her life and she was standing for God to bring him back to her. WE have seen more than once, a spouse return to the first spouse, and the second spouse then starts standing. That is why I can’t make a blanket statement and say “God wants ALL marriage restored.”