To let go was to let God work.

 

Control has always been, and can still be if not in check, my biggest thorn on my side.  Being an only child growing up in a family with a western upbringing (I live in a conservative, predominantly, Catholic country), I was used to getting my way and getting what I wanted, how I wanted it and when I wanted it.  I was independent and much of what I had, I got because I worked hard for it and I did whatever it took to have it. From the day I started schooling, I was always the achiever, the school muse, the popular girl. And when I was in an environment of people having things I didn’t, I worked hard to make sure that I got what they had or that I would earn the position of value so that we were all in the same level. Nobody needed to motivate me because I was self-driven. My parents did not have to worry about me much because I always had a way to figure things out. I always had a solution and I always made sure everything was in order as best as I can control the situation.  So when I started working, I made it my goal to work hard, achieve all I can and secure my life so that I didn’t have to worry about anything, anybody or my future.

I have had several relationships in my life, some serious ones and some just for fun types. I never really felt safe with any guy I was with until I met my husband Allan.  Allan and I met in March 1998 and it was as the cliché goes, “love at first sight”. I knew from the day I met him that I had met someone destined to be more than just a boyfriend. Something in the way we talked, laughed and kept communicating that set him apart from the other guys I was with. Allan and I met at a club he worked in. He was a manager of that club, and I was an event manager for a known networking company. I needed a place to do an event, and he was the point person to speak to. He worked at night and I worked during the day, so the only time we would meet was when I got off work and visit him or if he went on break at work and see me before I headed home.  Our relationship was a whirlwind of high and low emotions, very passionate and very rushed that before we knew it, we were engaged to be married by July 1998, married in church by October and pregnant with a baby to be born the year after! Suffice it to say that we did not really have enough time to get to know each other well and deeply before we made a lifelong commitment to one another. We just stood by our feelings and the thought that God had “destined us” for each other.

Our first few years were rough – had a baby right away, did not have our own home, did not have a stable job (I made my husband leave his club job because I said it was not appropriate as a new dad – controlling nature coming out now), and I was insecure about many things. For a person whose whole life seemed to make sense and was in my control, I suddenly was living in a world where I had no control over. We were constantly fighting and we even almost separated in the 2nd year of marriage, if we had not thought of our baby. The next few years became a series of ups and downs, successes and failures, love and hate, and the arrival of another baby. Allan and I went into business for 10 years and invested all our time and money into it, until year 2007 when the worldwide financial crisis hit and we had to close shop. It was a very stressful time for us as Allan had to go back to full time work and I did sideline work and manage other small businesses just to make ends meet. All throughout our 14 years I thought we were a pretty normal couple because we fought, we made up and everything was fine again. All up until a day when suddenly something cracked and then one small argument led to the whole world collapsing on our home and marriage.

In 2012, Allan became cold, distant and was always away from the house. By this time, after years of staying away from the nightlife, he took on a job where he was managing again a bar and club just like when we first met.  We fought constantly and he was always out of the house with friends or worked late nights. He removed his ring in the end of 2012 suddenly and declared that he would never wear it anymore because he hated the memories of being married to me the last 14 years.

I was devastated. I felt like the floor under me had given out and I was all of a sudden gripped with a fear I never experienced. I was lost and was absolutely clueless what was happening. I thought we were happy? I thought we had everything under control? I thought things were ok? Why didn’t I see this coming? Why didn’t I know there was something wrong? All these questions kept swirling around my head because for the first time, I had no control over anything!

By the beginning of 2013, in January Allan left the house. I had no clue where he went. He never told us where he lived, who he was with. There was no admission of an OW. He visited 1x a week the kids. He was angry almost every time we saw each other or spoke. I did everything wrong… I cried, I begged, I forced him to seek help, I spoke to his parents, his relatives, his friends… finding ways to convince him to come back home. I cried almost every single day of the year. I thought I was going to die. Many people told me he had an OW. There were “alien sightings” of him and her at a mall, at a beach, at an out of town trip, at a bar, out of the country… everywhere! There was even an instance where the kids and I crossed paths in our cars with him and the OW inside! BUT, I refused to accept this fact until one year later when the OW herself started calling me, harassing me. I went through deep financial problems. I didn’t have a full time job, and though Allan was working, he didn’t support us financially. I was left to provide for two kids, 2 maids and a household. I was tired, depressed, weighed only 99 pounds, and cash-strapped. God gave me a job out of the blue which He blessed me with to provide for everything I needed and more.

 

“Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.
For those who are evil will be destroyed, but those who hope in the Lord will inher