“I’ve been abandoned.”

These are more than just words. It’s a mindset of beliefs that can lead you down a path of destruction.

As a Stander, it’s imperative that you be on guard and mindful of where your thoughts take you.  One of the most painful things God ever said to me was “Sheila, it’s not about you.” While that hurt like heck to hear, it turned out to be the best thing God could say to guard me from continuing down a path that always led to torment.  When I would travel down these paths of thinking how happy he was and miserable I was.

Wondering how could he leave his wife and newborn daughter? How could he just abandon me after 18 years of marriage? I would go deep into my “how could he.” And “doesn’t he love me?” and so many other “ALL about me.” pitfalls.

When I had spent hours and hours traveling down these paths in my mind, I became so overwhelmed with pain, and despair, tormented by his selfishness, and then anger came. Always great, great levels of anger. And that usually is exactly the root behind anger, some form of pain that was caused to us. 

It was after one of these long sessions of “all about what he did to me,” where I was mentally exhausted and drained that the Holy Spirit had me become fully aware of the emotional state I was in and just how often I found myself in this place. One day I would be on fire praying and fighting for our marriage and then the next day, ready to give up and wanting no part in partnering with God to fight for him. Why? What was causing me to fall into such deep levels of despair so often?

As I sat and questioned this, seeking the Holy Spirit for truth and help, He started to show me how my thoughts, being left unguarded had taken me down paths of despair. How I used this way of thinking about all that was being done to me by my husband as a self-soothing technique, but in fact, it was harming me and distracting me from the real fight. 

The truth was, it was not about what my husband was doing to me, but what was being done to my husband. He was choosing a path that was leading him away from the Lord. He was following the strange woman spirit straight to sheol. (Proverbs 7:27) Proverbs 5, 7, and 9 are great chapters to read and understand about the strange woman spirit that comes to snare the foolish and lead them away from the Lord. 

He shall die, because he hath not received instruction, and in the multitude of his folly he shall be deceived. Proverbs 5:23

I had to be willing to WANT to understand and know what was really happening to my husband. But when I was wrapped up in what he was doing to me, I blocked out the truth that I was secure with God, and my husband was in jeopardy of losing his soul. Every time I surrounded myself with thinking about all the fun my husband was having, and all the questions about how he could do this to me, and what kind of person he had become, I became lost to the truth of what was really going on. I lost sight and perspective and became blind in my own pain of self wallowing in pity for myself. 

IT’S NOT ABOUT ME!

The Holy Spirit helped me learn how I became triggered to self-soothe with these traps. How I would go to those places in my mind to comfort myself with “look what is being done to me.” And how to stop it by getting a grip and saying “IT’S NOT ABOUT ME.”  I am NOT going to lie. I found the struggle to not self-soothe this way really hard. Even though I knew the comfort was temporary and was soothing the roots of rejection and unworthiness that was inflamed, I knew that it was actually going to leave me feeling much worse. But it had become a deep-seated habit for me to comfort myself by surrounding myself with thoughts like this. Where I felt I had been wronged, and I didn’t deserve it. I took great comfort in being a victim because I had not yet learned how to let the truth of who I was be my comfort and protection. 

The Holy Spirit started to teach me how to treat those roots of rejection and unworthiness by showing me how God chose me. I began to really meditate on the fact that God hand-picked me and WANTED me. While my husband didn’t want me, God did, and when I forced myself to think about that, instead of how my husband felt when I chose to believe that I was important to God I never fell into a pit of despair. Instead, I came out soothed and feeling secure. I came out feeling loved, confident and IMPORTANT. 

I realized that my husband’s abandonment was affecting how I saw and what I believed about myself. That I was truly taking how my husband felt about myself to heart and letting it destroy me. I felt I was unimportant as a person because my husband felt that way. BUT just a few verses in the Word of God, whispered to my heart by the Holy Spirit changed all that, when I took the time to ponder and mull it over.

“Do you really feel that way about me, Lord? Do you really want me? You love me that much? You see something in me that You find appealing? You don’t care about all my flaws to the point where You are repulsed? You want me anyway? You chose me even when there are so many others that are better than me? You, the God of the universe find me IMPORTANT? “

And if so, then how could I be letting a man make me think otherwise?

If you allow what your lost, blind, deceived, selfish, rebellious, spouse feels, thinks, believes to make you believe it too……………..over what the Lord God thinks about you, then you are unknowingly handing yourself over right into the hands of the enemy to destroy you. 

 Here, right here is the truth!

 4just as [in His love] He chose us in Christ [actually selected us for Himself as His own] before the foundation of the world, so that we would be holy [that is, consecrated, set apart for Him, purpose-driven] and blameless in His sight. In love 5He predestined and lovingly planned for us to be adopted to Himself as [His own] children through Jesus Christ, in accordance with the kind intention and good pleasure of His will– Eph 1:4-5 AMP

Guard your heart and mind against the lies and start filling it with the truth. You are important to the Lord. Your spouse is too, and they need you to overcome the lies so you can pray the truth over them as well. 

Standing with you,
Sheila Hollinger

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(~Marriage Revealed Ministries Inc. is committed to helping bring healing and restoration to couples who are struggling in their marriage. We do this through the revelation of Who God is and His heart and design for marriage which never intends abuse in any form. If you suspect abuse in your relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit them online at thehotline.org~