In 2011 I had my heart crushed by a woman, and she wasn’t giving me closure. I was left in a place of limbo. I finally decided that I just needed to hang out with a new woman to get my mind off of her and that woman became my future wife.
I was a self-professed Christian at the time, but definitely had a lot to learn and growing to do in my Christian walk. I remember telling my wife back then that I was emotionally unavailable and that if my ex wanted me back, we couldn’t even be friends anymore. She understood and said she just wanted to take advantage of the time she could spend with me now.
Four months later, the blinders fell off, and I could see this amazing woman in front of me who stuck by me during that time of limbo. My wife was not a believer at the time, but shortly after that, she opened up to me that she felt an emptiness in her life that needed to be filled, and she recognized she needed Jesus and received Christ.
After studying the Bible together, we read scripture that convicted us of living together unmarried, so we made the decision to get married the following Wednesday. I stepped up to be the father of her two daughters. A 5-year-old with special needs, who was non-verbal, and wheelchair-bound, and a 9-month-old baby girl.
That was a huge step for me, from being a single man to a husband and father of two overnight. God blessed me with two daughters who needed a father. New years 2013, I surrendered all mind-altering chemicals. Alcohol and marijuana usage was a daily activity for both of us. Shortly after I surrendered, she laid those things down as well. But in a few short months, she fell back into smoking weed daily. That gave the enemy a foothold.
We were together for 10 happy years. We literally never argued. I know her love language is acts of service and I made sure to demonstrate that to her and she would often brag on me on social media showing that I left a flower and note on her steering wheel or how I would always meet her in the driveway to carry our special needs teenager into the house for her.
Out of Nowhere
Seemingly out of nowhere, in October 2021, she confessed that she felt like we were in a rut and didn’t know who she was, and needed to find herself. She told me that she hadn’t been happy the last year and started drinking just to be happy around me. She couldn’t give me one reason why she felt this way. She told me that I’m an amazing man, father, and husband but that she just wasn’t “there anymore.” She felt we were on different paths even though we are two Christians raising our children. Literally, the only difference in our lives was that she couldn’t let go of these vices in her life, and I had surrendered them.
Days later, our beautiful, special needs daughter didn’t wake up.
We grieved together for that week, and the week after the funeral I booked us a cabin in the woods for a get-a-way. On the way there, she asked me to stop at a gas station, and she headed straight for the beer cooler. I said, “I guess I’m getting some beer too.”
For the first time in nearly nine years, I popped open a beer and drank with my wife for three days. We laughed and cried together and were intimate. As we left the cabin, I asked, “We had fun, didn’t we?” and she replied, “Yeah, but it’s not reality..” She was right. There was no part of me that wanted that lifestyle back.
Days later, we were separated.
The Stand Begins
I felt as though my world was spinning out of control and I asked God, “Why is this happening? I’m in ministry. I live for You LORD. You gave me this beautiful family that I love so much…” and He said, “You’ve been praying and fasting that your wife would fully surrender to Me. This is what it’s going to take for her to get there.” He revealed to me that, like most of us, my wife is going to have to go through a wilderness experience and reach rock bottom before she can reach full surrender.
Why did I drink?
God was revealing to me that He was not number one in my life even if I felt like He was. When I was faced with a situation I never dreamed I’d be in, and fear took over, I was not putting my trust in HIM, but myself and relying on what I thought would work. I was willing to compromise my convictions of drinking just to try and save my marriage. I was so desperate to save my marriage that I was willing to do anything… even putting God second.”
A year into my stand, I can now honestly thank God for allowing this storm to come into my life. I know that my wife’s relationship with God is going to be stronger, and now even her mother is standing with me, and her faith is getting stronger, as well as her brother’s. Our 12-year-old daughter is getting to see the love of Christ through me as I continue to pursue her mother in a non-forceful way.
I never talk badly about her or bring up her faults but only continue to pray for her and stand on God’s promises. All of this is bringing so many people closer to God because they have a reason to pray, hope, and stand on His promises.
The Covenant Song
God gave me a song around Christmas time of last year, and finally, this past August, God opened the door for me to be able to record it professionally just in time for me to give it to my wife on our 10-year wedding anniversary. I presented it to my wife on our anniversary, even though we are separated. My heart was beating out of my chest as I watched the back of her head watching the video on the screen. I could read her body language as she was getting emotional. When the song ended, she said, “wow…” She stood up and turned to me with tears in her eyes and hugged me, and thanked me. I told her I wanted her to know how I felt about everything and what I was doing.
She had no idea about me standing.
She told me that no one had ever done anything like that for her before, and then she left. We are back to where we were-separated but on good grounds, as we have been this entire year.
I know God is moving, and I am fully trusting in His plan. I pray that this song will encourage you in your stand. Music has been so therapeutic through mine.
Keep standing on His Promises.
If you have a testimony about your stand you would like to share with your fellow standing brothers and sisters, please send to me. email@example.com