Offense is going to come; whether intended or perceived, we have the same choice in how we handle it.

When you are offended, you have a choice. Be quick to forgive through godly wisdom, understanding, and mercy, OR stuff it down deep, OR let the offense take root and transport you to a presumptuous, prideful position.

Presumption is rooted in pride; it’s a defense action taken to deal and soothe the hurt: becoming passive-aggressive, proud, arrogant, defensive, self-justifying, and pretentious.

Even if you know you are hurt and offended and try to ignore and operate as usual, the offense is not going to allow you to do that. It’s going to affect many areas of how you express yourself; your motives will change and no longer be from the right place, but from a position to defend and justify.

Every time I am offended, it comes out in some way. In what I write, how I interact with my kids, what I chose to watch on Netflix, and eat! It can make us chose the unhealthy, sinful things that we know is not good for us.

Being offended can interfere with purity and purpose, especially if that offense gets blown out of proportion.

How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart?
Cleanse me from these hidden faults.
Keep your servant from presumptuous sins!
Don’t let them control me.
Then I will be free of guilt
and innocent of great sin.
Psalm 19:12-13

When we get offended by our spouses and other people, dark things deep inside of us are going to be exposed. The enemy LOVES offense because the first thing that temps us is deflection. Where we completely take our eyes off ourselves, off Jesus, and we become fixated on the offender, the offense, and the pain it caused. Taking it personally and making it all about us is how the offense takes hold. The more we focus, the longer we allow that offense to remain upon us, unforgiven, the more we will be shaped and altered by what we keep hidden. We can get bolder in our presumptuous place and lash out of character.

I had so much unhealed offense hidden inside from my dad that as soon as someone struck a nerve in me, that door would open and I would unleash on them. I would become blinded by the offense and all this horrible repressed stuff would come to the surface. I was then left to clean up the aftermath, feeling so guilty and ashamed of my actions and perspective. But I never healed. I would always tuck those horrible things back into my secret place and vow to never allow them out again.

But offense doesn’t work that way; it doesn’t disappear without forgiveness. This is why we become tormented by the offense. Read about the unforgiving servant being turned over to the jailers in Matthew 18.

It was a purposed INNER Healing time of my life when the Holy Spirit opened that door and one by one drug those offenses out and made me deal with repressed pain. It was one of the worst years of my life. I was a total hot mess, emotionally unstable, and I wanted to stop. But God kept me going back to the healing sessions. I had to deal with all the pent up hurt, anger, and misunderstanding from a very troubled and traumatic past.

When I started that year, I would think of my father with disgust, anger, hurt, pain……but when that year was over……..I had NOTHING but compassion and love in my heart for the man I grew up believing was a monster. I had understanding from God, and that is a powerful thing. He showed me it was NOT about me.

Some of you can’t think of your spouse, without being so angry, hurt, bitter………that is because the offense is genuinely part of you and needs to be touched by Jesus. This healing comes when God brings a real understanding to the situation and you accept and place that understanding above it being about you — learning not to allow this storm to be taken personally.

That is the first step to overcoming offense, releasing the “personal” part of it.

The second part is about how our OWN issues can misunderstand and interpret someone’s actions wrong. If you have a root of rejection, unworthiness, or fear, this creates a filter. All things that happen to you go through the filter and become altered before it comes to you. Some people get offended all the time because those filters are always messing and twisting up someone’s good intentions and turning them into bad.

This is what happens to our spouses. When they enter into rebellion, unforgiveness, deflection…..it creates filters. Our actions are changed before it reaches them. They see us as manipulative, intentionally trying to guilt, shame, hurt, or change them. The hard heart creates filters that remove trust and makes us seem like the enemy.

Being bound in offense is really an awful place. You can’t be truly happy, have peace, or enjoy your surroundings fully because you are bound, ball and chained to it.

Standing is not meant to make us bitter, altered, and twisted up during the storm. It’s meant to make us BETTER and do a good work in us.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4

To enter into suffering as Christ did so we can learn to overcome the flesh reactions. To release the offense instead of tucking it inside. To forgive the person so we can enter into compassion, mercy, and grace.

Every time a person’s actions or words bring offense, we have this incredible opportunity to be changed to bring God OR the enemy glory.
Let that sink in.

Standing with you,
Sheila Hollinger