I have written many times about UNbelief. But never about DISbelief. Yes, there is a difference. It’s both about what you believe in, but one of them, disbelief, is about your refusal to believe it.

For example, let’s look at the snare that is trapping a person when they rebel and their hearts turn hard. We are given many examples, we know in order for them to have a heart of flesh again, they must SEE, TURN, REPENT. We know this. But when we are tired, weary, and have been standing a long time, we don’t want to hear this anymore. We are done hearing that in order for our spouses to change, come home, take care of us, there is an order that must be followed. That they need to feel the drawing of the Lord, heed His voice, His convictions. We hear that things like fear, guilt, and shame prevent our spouses from coming home. WE KNOW ALL THIS RIGHT? Yet, we have been down this road of knowing, believing, having compassion, caring, accepting…………..and it’s been a VERY, VERY long road and we just can’t take another moment of their journey inflicting upon our journey. “When is this going to end so it can be MY TIME?”

There are a lot of Standers who are going to relate to this but would be far too ashamed to ever speak it out because it sounds very selfish. They are lost, without God, hurting, blind, trapped by sins and you are upset and angry because you are tired of waiting for them to change so you can get YOUR needs met. How selfish of you right? How dare you care about your needs more than your spouse’s salvation right? Well…….God cares. In fact, He has cared ALL along about every need you have that goes unmet.

Even when you didn’t care that you were being so giving, so compassionate, so loving because you knew that it was what you were called to do for a greater cause. Even when you were in the ‘right’ mindset of sowing good seeds, being a safe place guarding yourself against becoming weary so you could reap a good harvest, you were OK with not having your needs met, laying down those expectations, keeping your lips zipped, not defending, not confronting, not exposing their lies. And now? You are done!

You feel that you have given them every single bit of you, all the time they needed to get it right and wonder if you were too nice? Did they take advantage of you? They may be talking about coming home now. But they are still not ready. Still dragging their feet and you are so ready to either push them into commitment or walk away. This limbo, sitting on the fence, being so close to your promise but out of reach is becoming too much to bear.

What you can’t live with is how angry, cold, and bitter you feel. Mad at yourself because no matter how much you try to regain your compassion, relying on all those things you once fully believed in, their hard heart, lost, blind, snared, rebellious choices……….you just can’t believe it anymore. That is where disbelief comes in.

Disbelief is when you make a choice to not believe something. This has nothing to do with your belief in God, your belief in whether He can change your spouse or not. In this case, disbelief was forced upon you, your belief was exhausted and taken from you and you have nothing left. Or, disbelief is your choice because you are just plain tired of living this life alone, not in God’s perfect plan as husband and wife.

This goes beyond just being impatient. It’s a combination of many things that all surround the fact that you have been standing for many years, you have been a good Stander, a faithful Stander. You have prayed in faith, interceded, stood against the attacks of the enemy and when you think this is it………it’s finally happening, you hear “not yet.”

I wish I had an answer for you. Is this selfish of you to want the promise to come? No. Is it wrong to get angry, impatient, or frustrated? No. It’s not wrong to feel those things. It’s not healthy, and those things can lead you to lash out in your anger and frustration. It can lead you away from God because you feel you are acting out of selfishness and wanting to put your needs first for a change.

It may not just be your spouse that is causing you unrest. There may be many other areas in your life that are in upheaval and instead of being able to go to your spouse and have that shoulder to cry on, that confidant that you have always wanted, instead you come home to an empty house and cry on the dog’s shoulder. You may not be able to even talk to God because so many areas in your life are in upheaval and you are really feeling rejected and annoyed at Him for not giving you a break. “Come on Lord? Really? Doesn’t my faithfulness deserve better than this?”

When we feel betrayed, abandoned, forgotten, or put on DELAY, we can get our feelings hurt and get really bent out of shape. Instead of resting in the bigger picture, we can rest on how much we have grown, changed, and performed. How faithful, kind, loving we have been. We can place ourselves into a new position of Standing where we are demanding what is owed to us because ……….” insert the many reasons here” that goes through your heart and mind every day. Reasons that are filling you with more anger and pain.

First, God wants you to have your promise. He wants you to have your spouse, to be loved, respected, and cherished. He has never not wanted that for you. But He can’t give you what you want until it’s going to bear fruit. And He won’t force your spouse to produce fruit from a tree that has not yet been planted. If they are not ready, then they are just not ready and there is nothing you can do about that.

Go punch a punching bag and let all that frustration out, and let go of any demands that you are unfairly placing on the Lord so you can stop feeling what you are feeling. Admit that you have been choosing disbelief because you are ready for something to happen, tired of waiting. Keep praying for your heart to be willing to give God and your spouse the time needed because it’s worth it! So worth seeing your spouse walking in the right relationship with the Lord!  And one day, you will be able to help another Stander endure through this very season that you walked through and overcame!

Standing with you,
Sheila Hollinger

Resources

IF our ministry has blessed you, and you want to SOW in faith into marriage restoration and the work God is doing, would you consider GIVING?
ebooks & Magazines
YouTube
Email Devotional & Support
FB support group,
ZOOM meetings
Want to be a Guest Writer? 

(~Marriage Revealed Ministries Inc. is committed to helping bring healing and restoration to couples who are struggling in their marriage. We do this through the revelation of Who God is and His heart and design for marriage which never intends abuse in any form. If you suspect abuse in your relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit them online at thehotline.org~