Deflect their Deflection-How to Respond. Marriage Restoration

 If you have seen the articles and videos on deflection, you may be asking, “How do I respond?” 

When a person is using deflection as a means of preventing themselves from confessing guilt, owning their part in anything, it is because they are not ready to give up what they are doing, or what they have found. Deflection is a way to avoid accountability. As long as they can point the finger at you, deflect blame onto you, then they feel they have the excuse they need to bring validation to their choices. 

But how do you respond?
Especially when they are twisting truth, all out lying,
misunderstanding, or being cruel?

It really depends. Not all deflection is actually true deflection. Some of it is a spouse sharing their hurts, their frustrations. Sometimes it’s a spouse that is tired of being ignored, disrespected, and just wants to be heard, heard without argument. Heard without excuse, rebuttal. Their words are not meant to deflect but meant to get a person to understand how upset they are, they may overexaggerate to try to force the Stander to not only hear but listen. 

But then there is real deflection where they need to come up with something that can give them the proof they need, not matter how long ago it happened, how small a matter it was, they just need something to give them a “right” to their choices. 

Because it’s not always easy to tell the difference from a real hurt and blaming deflection, because sometimes a real hurt will be USED to blame and deflect, the best thing to do is LISTEN. Really listen. Show them you are doing your best to understand and that means you are not trying to make them understand YOUR point. You are not trying to say “You misunderstood everything. Here is how it really happened.” Or you are not saying “That happened so long ago, it never bothered you before, why now?” 

The truth is, they are not after you setting them right. They are not looking for you to explain, defend. Sometimes they are looking for a sincere apology, one that doesn’t include a reason or a but. Just a “you are right. I am sorry.” The moment we try to explain, we have just voided the sorry. You will find that they know exactly where they misunderstood, where they fabricated the story to make it prove their point. So trying to point that out is not going to help, they already usually know. Again, the point is that you listen without trying to make them hear YOU. They need you to hear them. 

And if it is really deflection, then there is nothing you can say that matters anyway. So engaging and trying to get them to understand your point is only going to prove them right, that they can’t talk to you without you defending yourself and not trying to understand them. 

When they are deflecting, then listen. Acknowledge without rebuttal and don’t make it go farther than it needs to. ((IF it gets cruel and hostile especially if children are present, you do not have to remain in the conversation at all. Respectfully let them know that the conversation has gotten to a place where it would be best if it ended for now. When it escalates like this, it will only draw you into trying to go defend yourself and since the goal now is just to express hostility, there is no need to participate.)) 

Usually validating a person, not using “but” or trying to explain shocks them and you can see a change in posture, a let down in their demeanor like the wind was just let out of their sales. That is NOT a cue for you to start talking and sharing your side, or you may see that wind pick up and their posture change again. 

I know the hardest thing for a Stander is to let them speak their minds when it’s lies or half-truths and not set them straight. But if we truly grasp that they may not want us to do anything but listen and that God is the one that can speak truth to them, defend you, you can let Him be your strength and hold your tongue.

A gentle answer means, tender as opposed to tough and stubborn. Gentile and soft, as in opposed to hard, unyielding, and opposing. 

Standing with you,
Sheila Hollinger