“Lord, turn my husband’s heart towards You so You become the biggest desire of his heart. Help him love You with his whole heart, mind, and soul.

And Father,………help me because I didn’t mean any of what I just said. I know I should want that but I want my husband to love me like that more than he loves You. I want his desire to be for me. I know that the only reason I am praying for him to want You more is because that is what I know is right, it’s not what I want, but what You want. I also know that if he does turn to You it will benefit me. Help my heart, Lord, to be sincere.”

“Fake it till you make it” is an English saying which suggests that by imitating confidence, courage, and an optimistic mindset, a person will eventually achieve the results they seek.

That understanding was something that came over time (6 years to be exact). Our understanding was that I would be able to be real and honest with Him about my flaws, selfishness, disobedience, self-pity, and temper tantrums, and He would not turn away from me, or make me feel ashamed of myself.  He would behave like the God of the universe, like a supernatural being, and not like my very lost, broken dad. God would be God, and I would be a flawed human being and allowed to think, believe, feel, react and behave in all my flaws and He would STILL LOVE ME!. That was the agreement we came to.

I know this sounds ridiculous, but it was the only way my very distrusting self could wrap my brain around this new relationship. I had to believe that God was not like anyone I had encountered before. I didn’t have to impress Him, hide the truth from Him, or feel ashamed for how I was feeling, what I was thinking, or when I was acting or lashing out. God had already agreed to it thousands of years ago and put it in writing when He said He would never leave or forsake me. It just took me some time to come to the table and agree upon it.

So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

When I started to realize it was true, that God’s intention for me was so much different than anything I had ever experienced before, I became drawn to Him. Here I had always wanted someone to choose and pick me out of a crowd and call me theirs and no matter how bad I was, never give up on me. And here He was! Only I had been blind to that. Instead of realizing what He was there for, I had been going to Him, not for that fact, but to ask Him for help in getting back the person that I had picked and chosen, called my own, and would never give up on. I was using God to help me get what was already standing right in front of me: unconditional, perfect love with perfect motives.

It took me a while to see it, to see Him, to understand that He was not human. He was God and because of that, He could love me the way I needed. He could accept me for who I was and wasn’t, believe in me, and see my potential. He could look past all the impossibles that I had and still encourage me to keep going.  He could love me when I could not love myself.

1Thus says the Lord: The heavens are My throne, the earth, My footstool. What house can you build for Me? Where is the place of my rest? 2 My hand made all these things when all of them came to be—oracle of the Lord. This is the one whom I approve: the afflicted one, crushed in spirit, who trembles at my Word. Isaiah 66

For this is what the high and exalted One says— he who lives forever, whose name is holy: “I live in a high and holy place, but also with the one who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite. Isaiah 57:15

It was then and only then that I could start asking God in prayer to be that God for my husband. As I got to know and understand Him in new ways, could I sincerely express that and ask for the same thing for my very lost, very broken spouse. But until then, I had to fake it, until I made it. I had to ask knowing I didn’t really mean it.

But when I could confess to the Lord that I didn’t mean it, and not feel the level of shame that I once did, that is when the healing and understanding started to come. He knew I was faking, and He still came to listen to my prayers?  He knew I didn’t love Him as I declared and He still showed up to my fake declaration? He knew that I desired my husband more and was only using Him to get my husband back and yet He was helping me? WHAT? He was helping me despite the fact that I would most likely walk away from Him like the million other times once I got my prayers answered? Who was this Person? Who would do that? Why did He put up with me? What kind of Person would just keep letting me lie, letting me use them like that? Could it be that it was not a person at all, but Something, so much greater? Could it be that I was trying to make this into what I had always known………..a person?

These are the things that became real and evident to me during my storm. How God became God and I became a person who was allowed to be a person. How I was able to let myself be a person because I stopped making God a human who was going to fail me. I let God be God, and let myself be ME!

This took time. And this is why I hate to see Standers quit their stand before they get this revelation. They quit before they enter into the holy of holies and come to truly understand Him and how much different He is from what we expect. This was just one of the many truths and revelations about Him and myself that I had. As our relationship grew and became more clear, I was able to pray differently for my spouse. I was able to see that both my husband and I were trying to get from people what we really needed to be getting from the Lord. And the Lord was very willing to give it. It was just our lack of understanding Him that was preventing it.

Don’t quit! Keep seeking the Lord to overcome the areas that you are trying to hide from Him. Keep faking it……….till you make it. Sincerely it will happen-it’s God’s perfect will and desire for you!

Standing with you,
Sheila Hollinger

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