What is a false start? 

In the standing community, you will often hear of the term false start. What does that mean?  The term comes from a race, where runners line up at the starting line and “jump the gun.” They start running toward the end before they were supposed to. When they cross the line, they realize they didn’t get what they thought they were getting and have to go back to the starting line.

 Many Standers know this crushing revelation when they turn and see the victory has not yet come. What they thought was happening, was not yet happening. That is really what a false start is. Getting to the finish line, to find out…………you jumped the gun.

True restoration happens when a spouse’s heart turns to God in recognition of wrongs, with godly sorrow and repentance. Seeking to have the right relationship with God. For the Stander, to be faithful to God, not using God or else they will quickly fall away, back into old habits, and turn lukewarm again. 

Why does this happen?

There are many different reasons that a person will leave and give up on their marriage.

Sometimes the cause is deep-rooted issues that were formed before the marriage, such as childhood traumas, being hurt by the church, wrong mindsets, and strongholds about God. Unhealed issues with past relationships including parents, past loves, and even marriages. These unresolved issues that are tucked away in our spouses can’t stay hidden forever and will HURT the current relationship they are in.

But some spouses don’t have skeletons in their closet. It was the actual marriage that caused the spouse to run — being unequally yoked or a spouse that was in addiction. If the spouse was abusive or neglectful and caused a lot of hurts and wounds during the marriage, and it drove the spouse away.

Whether it’s a painful past or a present tormenting situation, it doesn’t matter if they are an unbeliever or a Christian who grew up in the church. Unhealed pain can open the door to a heart that gives up and goes hard. Starts to hear and listen to the lies “They deserve to be happy.” Or “You will never change, and they deserve something better. God has something better.”

For some, they have to rebel against God to allow the full hardness of heart to take over. For others who continue to seek God, bad and ungodly seeds are planted through false doctrine and ‘supportive friends/family’ that lead them away from the marriage and justify their new adulterous relationships.

They will escape the life they have in an attempt to build something different; where they feel they can be truly happy. And for a while it does work. The power of starting a new life, a new “love” is so strong it can shut out the voice of the past. But as things settle, it will start again. At this point, your spouse will either decide to run away again…………OR deal with it. This is why we sometimes see the spouse start going to church while in that new relationship, start seeking counseling. As painful as this seems, that is truly great that the spouse has finally started to seek GOD for help to heal from what made them run away. It’s with all hope that while they are seeking help, God heals them and brings them home, through a true repentance.

But then there are those that are still stubborn, not ready yet to seek God for help. They will either seek out another relationship, go off and be alone for a season to find themselves OR want to come home!

IF they attempt to start a new life again, without God, without any type of healing of the deep roots inside, it’s not going to work. Many of our lost beloveds start to get caught in addictions, which only worsen the problems and delay the healing.

The ONLY thing that is going to help a lost beloved is God. They must come to Him fully and surrender their lives. They must seek healing for the past and surrender to where repentance becomes part of their life. Heart transformations only take place when the heart is willing to repent.

Remember, No one comes to the Father until the Spirit draws them. This means God needs time to work on the lost spouse and get them to a place of total and complete readiness to surrender to Him.

For no one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws them to me, John 6:44 NLT

 

What can the Stander do?

Standers need always to be rooted and grounded in truth. A spouse that is apart from God belongs to the world and will ever be tempted. When a person submits to God, they are also seeking to be led and helped by the Spirit of God, which will never lead them astray.

I’ve seen more Standers focusing their prayers on praying away the other person, more than praying their spouse back to God. You can’t pray away the other person if you truly understand the ENEMY is the “other person.” And he will replace that other person over and over. That is why the spouse must come to understand a life apart from God is no life at.

When a spouse comes home and has not repented, as a Stander, you MUST KEEP STANDING! So many Standers, get what they want, and quit praying. They fall for the lie that no way could this ever happen again. I know I did. I really believed my husband was sorry, and that he truly felt bad for what he had done and would never do it again. HE believed it too! Which is why we were both very shocked when it happened again! But it makes sense. He never dealt with the reasons it happened in the first place, and they were ALL still there.

Read our Apologies and Repentance Article

You can’t overcome those things by covering them in “happiness.” Happiness is fleeting, and it’s ravenous, always needing more and more things, people, fun to keep it alive.

 

So what do you do?

Understand that these false starts are VERY necessary. The lost person needs to see that each attempt at starting over without God is going to fail. They don’t want to fail. They don’t want to hurt anyone. This will wear them down. Each time they have a false attempt, their pride takes a beating and their confidence in their ability to have what they want on their own slips a notch. How many attempts they have to create to have the life they want without turning fully to God really depends on how much anger, bitterness, pride, and resentments they are harboring; or how much they don’t want to face their past.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Some spouses do come home and never leave again, and in time find the healing that turns them to God. But don’t think that is going to come through your control. It comes through our unconditional love, our actions, and our letting God be God to them and not playing the role of the Holy Spirit. 

Again, NEVER stop Standing! Just because the spouse comes home, doesn’t mean the enemy is going to wave the white flag. No, he won’t give up. But, you can’t live in fear, you must change your shoes to battle boots and fight even harder in prayer!

Standing with you,
Sheila Hollinger