At one time or another, we have faced the disappointment of being let down by someone we trusted and believed in. We believed they truly were sincere with the commitments they made, and for some, even sent to you by God.
As I look back, I see that some of those disappointments I had were justified. The person that had made promises and failed to keep them had truly stepped out of alignment with God, and for whatever reason, could not keep their end of the agreement.
We see this with our spouses and marriages.
With other people, under close examination, I can see how I was in error. I may have taken something I needed and unfairly expected more than what they were willing or able to give.
People are going to fail you, and it’s normal because people will make mistakes. I have also let others down, jumping into things I had no business taking on.
So being let down and disappointed by others is a natural and normal part of life. But why do some of us struggle greatly with what appears to be unforgiveness and the inability to let go of the offense?
Why does the failed outcome we expected hurt so much and cause us such distress?
Why does it cause resentment?
As I dug deep into my feelings and heart, I saw it was all me. Regardless if the person was really at fault, or if they had simply bit off more than they could chew and made a mistake, I took it all the same exact way and reacted the same way every single time I faced disappointment.
Each time someone is unable to uphold their commitment to me, I internalize it as something is wrong with me. “Do they not value me? Care, see or understand me? What did I do to cause them to back out on their responsibility? Was I so awful-again? Were they just using me to get what they wanted?”
As I examined my heart and where these questions were coming from, I recognized the old familiar voice of rejection. Something I had thought I had shut the door to long ago.
In my heart, I had built my case against them that they must not be able to fulfill their promise to me, because they don’t see me as worthy, worth their time, or important enough. And because of this lie, the hurt that comes with that conclusion is more than I can bear and turns into resentments. Not so much resenting the person, but resenting the fact that yet AGAIN, I am made to feel that I am not good enough. I am not worthy enough for them to invest in. The resentments and anger is from the constant battle that is always present, to PROVE that am EQUAL and not less than.
It’s exhausting because it’s a fight against a lie. A fight against a foe that is not really there. While it’s imaginary, to the person, it’s their reality and very real.
This all comes from having a root of rejection.
Saying you have roots of rejection is a way of saying, that at some point in your life, rejection came and hurt you so deeply that it created a detour on your path. One that took you away from the REAL path of how you are to live and view yourself and how others feel about you.
On this detour, it’s all lies. Everything is filtered to make you feel that what others say, do, think, believe (including God) is because you are not worthy.
On this detour, as you walk through life, you are constantly trying to prove to everything and everyone that you ARE who God says you are and that you are, in fact, worthy to be loved. Worthy to be seen, worthy of being valued. And THAT is what causes the resentments–the fact that you are always trying to stop the lie from defining who you are. When you struggle to make this detoured reality accept your value, it’s a battle you can’t win as long as you are walking this deceptive path. This detour is designed to stop truth and prevent you from receiving what truth brings to you.
If you love someone that is walking the detour of rejection, it’s exhausting trying prove your love to them. Always defending yourself that your love is real and that you are not lying. And no matter how much you love and show love, it’s doesn’t seem to fill them.
With truth comes, love, and worth. And that brings fulfillment to the soul. It feeds the soul what it needs. But on this detour, truth can’t come and deliver what the person is starving for.
Many of our lost spouses have experienced this split in their path and are now walking the detour of rejection. They are unable to receive the knowledge that God loves and values them. Unable to know the truth that God wants them. All they know is bitter resentments which keeps them bound in an endless cycle of pain and hurt, where they lash out at anything that even resembles God’s love because in the detour, it’s right there, but unable to penetrate and make it to their hearts. It’s blocked. Truth can’t come in and bring the soul what it needs. What is sad is that they are believing the lie the enemy feeds them on this detour and getting a temporary fix from the other person. That is why they will claim to be happy, or finally have found the love they have been missing. But it’s NOT REAL.
How do WE get off this detour? How do we pray for a loved on that is on this counterfeit path?
First, with faith, we KNOW God can deliver and remove the lies, heal the hurts, and put people back on the path to truth. I know this for a fact as this has happened to me many times in my life. Every time I am on that detoured path and unaware, God will expose it and set me right again.
BUT, I have to be willing to let go of the perceived hurts and release my expectations.
Now, this is where you can remain on the detour, by not releasing—not being willing to let others off the hook, especially when you know for a fact that they really did fail at the promises they were meant to keep, like your marriage vows. That your pain is justified, and you didn’t over exaggerate and expect too much. They really did fail you!
Now what? Now you keep them bound to that promise and expectations and in doing so, keep yourself bound on that path of resentments and anger that they could not be the person you expected them to be?
Or you let them go.
You let them off the hook in your heart and understand that at THAT TIME in their life, they can’t be what you need. They can’t be who you need. They can’t be what God has planned and promised to you AT THAT TIME. They have stepped off their own path and are on a detour themselves.
You let them go and KNOW that at the right time, God will bring them back when they are able to keep their promises to you. And that is something you must hold onto and trust in. That God is working that out for the good of you, your spouse, and family.
Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days you will find it again. Ecclesiastes 11:1
How much pride you have will determine how much you struggle with letting them off the hook. How deeply and often you deal with rejection will affect how hard it is for you to let go. How much trust you have in God, your faith, your knowledge of Him. Your understanding of your value and worth.
All these things will factor into being free from the detour and how often you revisit that path. You can be free and find yourself right back on it again as soon as rejection comes. BUT you can learn. You can recognize the crossroad. The junction where you make the decision which way to go.
It all comes down the moment rejection presents itself. For some of you, this can be a daily occurrence. Every single day, facing the hurt and pain of being rejected. This can cause us to place walls that feel good and make us think we are wise, but in fact, we have hardened our hearts through unhealthy means. Why? Because we are still on the detour and but thought we had left.
The only way to deal with rejection in a healthy way, without hardening your heart, is to not take it personally.
To not let someone else’s rejection, broken promise, and the disappointment you feel reflect YOUR WORTH and VALUE. To not let it have a role in telling you who God says you are. That can be hard when we look at that person that is rejecting us and place high value on what they think, feel, believe. When it’s a person of importance and what they believe holds great influence on you.
What your spouse thinks of you is very important and plays a HUGE role on how you see yourself. The same with your parents. When people whose opinion you respect and value reject you, it’s not easy to see it’s a lie.
But these people, who’s opinion we value so much, are gullible to the world’s influence and have formed a worldly standard. They are not gods, they are people who are prone to pride, deception and misguided values and morals. PEOPLE should never determine your value and worth because they don’t have the same measuring standard as our Father!
Sidenote: What WE think of our spouses is extremely important. When we don’t value them, respect them, or reflect how God sees them, we can assist in keeping them in the dark about who God says they are. We are going against our own prayers because of our hearts don’t value our spouses because of their sins.
To overcome the roots of rection and stop the detours, a person must learn to recognize the real Source of where real truth comes from. Learn to recognize when they have made a person’s opinions and beliefs higher than God’s.
When you believe that you are what your spouse thinks above who God created you to be, you have allowed the detour to present itself. As a child we don’t know better, so our parent’s opinions of us plays a HUGE role and is usually where the rejection roots first take place. As a child of God, we must relearn what our Parent, our Father believes and says about us. That is the ONLY opinion that matters and can be allowed to define you!
Standing with you,
Sheila Hollinger
