Insecurity

Many Standers deal with the overpowering emotion of insecurity but fail to recognize the destruction it brings.

 For the LORD your God is living among you.
He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness.
With his love, he will calm all your fears.
He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”
Zephaniah 3:17 NLT

Insecurity is when a person feels an overwhelming sense of instability. 

Instability is a hard feeling to recognize. They may feel things are not in their control and it’s terrifying, but before they can feel the fear, they have already set in motion ways to control the situation and ease their fears. Sometimes the fear manifests in the form of anxiety; which takes control of the Stander and causes them to react, often in negative ways.

Here is an example:
When I felt my husband was growing distant, it created so much fear, instability and insecurity in me that I hurried to create a way that would make me feel steady and secure. I would plan something that I was sure my husband loved, even if I hated it. Anything that would encourage my husband to be happy with me. 

I manipulated the situation and coerced him into a pleasurable situation; which made him happy with me, but only temporarily. During those times, I was continually going above and beyond to “check” and make sure he was okay. I did this to reassure myself. Scripture tells us clearly that God did not give us the spirit of fear. 

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind,” 2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV).

In 1 Peter 3 He is teaching women about respect and how important it is to a man, EVEN if he is not following God. Respect BUILDS a man to do good! He mentions Sarah and talks about being insecure. For further reading on this read RESPECT.

“It was thus that Sarah obeyed Abraham [following his guidance and acknowledging his headship over her by] calling him lord (master, leader, authority). And you are now her true daughters if you do right and let nothing terrify you [not giving way to hysterical fears or letting anxieties unnerve you],” 1 Peter 3:6 (AMPC).

 Fear is NO EXCUSE!

No matter how good you are at manipulating, your lost beloved can discern it. They feel it. They can sense your desperation, your insecurity, your aggression and attempts to make them happy are not for them. This causes an adverse reaction. It is not attractive since it is not motivated and rooted in love for them, but the love for yourself to be secure. They can become very disgusted by your actions and make them even colder and hard-hearted, which causes you to manipulate and try more. It becomes a vicious cycle.

When my husband rejected my plots to create and force him to make me to feel secure, I resorted to manipulating with self-pity. Hiding and crying in plain sight. Pouting and saying things like “at least the dog still loves me.” And this made me even more pathetic and unattractive to him.

Thank God for Jesus! In one of my plotted manipulation attempts, He had one of His talks with me and opened my eyes to what I was doing. He showed me how I was establishing a character assassination. And if I wanted my husband to draw to me, instead of away from me, I needed to dump my fears at the cross and start trusting God in ways I had never trusted Him. When we trust in Him He takes away our insecurities and makes us to flourish. 

“[Most] blessed is the man who believes in, trusts in, and relies on the Lord, and whose hope and confidence the Lord is.8 For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters that spreads out its roots by the river, and it shall not see and fear when heat comes; but its leaf shall be green. It shall not be anxious and full of care in the year of drought, nor shall it cease yielding fruit,” Jeremiah 17:7-8 (AMPC).

I had to learn to be quiet in my soul when my husband was quiet in demeanor. I quickly learned how insecurity had made me very deaf and blind, and one-sided — preventing me from really HEARING my husband. In fact, insecurity had twisted his words and caused division because he could not talk to me without getting me upset. He would mean one thing, but insecurity drove me to believe he meant another. The Word of God admonishes us to be thoughtful listeners.

“Understand this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Let everyone be quick to hear [be a careful, thoughtful listener], slow to speak [a speaker of carefully chosen words and], slow to anger [patient, reflective, forgiving],” James 1:19 (AMP).

I had to learn to judge my heart’s motives and why I was doing what I was doing. Was I trying to show love or receive love? Was I being nice to give to him or force a return? Did I plan with expectations and how did I react to disappointments? Did I punish with guilting and anger?

Learning to self examine and become aware of my own self was a critical factor in changing. But to overcome insecurity and instability, you have to have a solid Rock to stand upon. My husband was NOT that rock. Jesus is the ROCK. So each time insecurity wanted to direct me negatively towards my spouse, I had to intercept and redirect it back to Jesus the Rock. This was not easy. Insecurity is a very demanding and powerful fear-driven emotion. It screams at you to do something; for example, to send that “I love you text.” To do anything that will ease your pain. 

Here are the definition and related words for insecurity. It’s what we feel, but don’t see. But our spouses see plain as day in us and why they can be repelled by us.

INSECURITY

1. Uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.

Synonyms: lack of confidence, lack of self-confidence, self-doubt, diffidence, unassertiveness, uncertainty, nervousness, hesitancy, inhibition, self-consciousness, anxiety, apprehension, worry, unease, uneasiness, vulnerability, defenselessness, lack of protection, perilousness, peril, danger, riskiness; instability, fragility, frailty, shakiness, rockiness, unsteadiness, unreliability

2. The state of being open to danger or threat; lack of protection.

Synonyms: unstable, unsecured, loose, rickety, rocky, wobbly, shaky, unsteady, precarious; unsubstantial, weak, flimsy, frail, fragile, spindly, decrepit, unsound, unsafe; informal jerry-built, teetery

Insecurity is a big and powerful emotion to overcome and takes a big and powerful God to help us. And that is precisely what we need to acknowledge. Our God is big and powerful! He is big enough to handle and powerful enough to help us overcome everything that comes our way and will not leave us to go through it alone.

May your security grow in Him!  

 The LORD Is My Shepherd

Psalm 23:1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
3 He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness for the sake of His name. 4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Standing with you,
Sheila Hollinger