Time! We often use how long it’s taking and if it’s bearing good results as a way to judge if we are on the right path and should continue to Stand. As time passes by, the questions arise more and more if we really heard God ask us to Stand. Time starts to usher in insecurity, doubts, and fears. 

Is time testing you?

I rebelled against the time. I look back now and see how angry and upset I was at God and my situation because I honestly did not CARE what God was doing FOR me, I just wanted it over. I knew He was drawing me closer, teaching me how to depend on Him. I also knew that He was working things out in my husband’s heart that were deep issues which I could not possibly understand and wasn’t meant to know. But I did not care. I wanted to be free!

The Heart wants what it wants! 

And my heart wanted security. Peace. Joy. Freedom from fear and anxiety. It wanted normal!

My heart was not content in the storm. It believed it had to end so there could be peace. God was teaching me the difference between an immature Christian, (one whose heart and emotions ruled and directed her) and a disciple – a person who is content in any situation because they are fully grounded in the foundation of Christ. They pick up their cross and deny self-time and time again. A disciple has no problem being a humble, obedient slave to Christ.

 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. Matthew 16:24

I was NOT a disciple at that time. I was only partially willing to do what was needed. It was all dependant upon what my flesh would allow. If it was too much to bear, my emotions would run on high and determine too much.

Feelings and emotions are your compass and truth revealed. They let you know what your heart and soul truly believe and is confident in. You can try and lie and be fake, but your emotions will always let you know what foundation you are standing on. And if it’s anything but Jesus and Who He is, you will wobble and shake and out of the abundance of your mouth and emotions your heart will speak and reveal itself.

My foundation was self. And that is why I rebelled against anything that was trying to knock me off that foundation and make me submit. TIME was testing my foundation over and over. It was hitting me hard in places that brought out the worst in me.

 If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it. Matthew 10:39

Testing my attitude. Was I going to complain bitterly and grumble against God? Was I going to thank and praise Him despite how I was feeling?

Testing my faith. Was I going to believe in Him despite what I was seeing, hearing, feeling? Was I going to listen to Him above all the other voices? Time appeared to be making the doubts so much louder and stronger. But was I going to pass the faith test? Could I keep encouraging myself by focusing on His nature and credibility, or was I going to allow the fears, doubts, and circumstances to cripple me?

It tested my love. With each passing year, my love for my husband died. I had nothing left of me to give. Time had shown me that this man was not capable of love because of his rebellion and pursuit of selfishness. I came to a point where I was standing out of sheer obedience and nothing else. And when my love was depleted completely, that is when time revealed itself as my partner and not my foe.

When I confessed to God that all my love was gone. I was empty and for the first time in our 19 years together, I was terrified because I no longer had this man on the throne of my heart. It was only then God could take His rightful place. Up until that point of my Standing journey, I was only using God to help keep my husband as my idol and restore back anything that was being threatened, while he maintained #1 position. But the whole time, God was using the time to nudge him off and out of HIS seat! The thing I hated most, was actually the thing needed most to destroy my idol.

He had to fall. He had to be pushed aside so I could willingly repent and ask God into my heart to take the seat that was NOW empty and ready for Him. 

God knew I didn’t want to give up my idol. He also knew why. Because I could not fathom what He had for me. No one can be told what it feels like to have Him sitting on the throne of your heart. I can’t explain it. We can’t really ask or want what we don’t fully understand. But God knows we need it despite how we feel or what we believe. And He finds a way to get us to want to surrender our idols. Where we no longer exalt them above what they truly are. He needs our idols to fall, so He can take His rightful place, a place meant for a God that doesn’t fail us.

When I came to that crossroad, where I had zero love in my heart for my husband, I was left empty and very afraid. My heart was a magnet for satan at that point. I had not given my heart to God, even though I thought I had, and my husband no longer occupied it. It was the darkest time in my life. I was torn. During the day I would have two consistent thoughts going through my head. “Could I find someone else better?” and “Could I live single with God as my husband for the rest of my life?” I know now, satan was there testing and tempting me as I had never had these thoughts before. But I had never been at such a place where I no longer loved my husband either, so I was fully ripe for the testing.

I passed the test. I stopped entertaining those thoughts and chose over and over. Me, myself and God. It became my daily journal entries and fixation. That season of time was fixed on God and God alone because I really could not have cared less what my husband was doing. I told God every day. “It’s just me and You. What can I learn about YOU today? I don’t want to care at all about tha