Our Ministry, along with many other Standing Ministries, will advise the Stander to “work on you!” While this advice is good and seems harmless, it can become misunderstood when the Stander also has a spouse actively blaming, shaming, deflecting the break down of the marriage upon the Stander.
Put those two messages together and it’s a recipe for disaster, as well as, a breeding ground for false understandings to grow.
A Stander who is told they were the reason for the failure of the marriage and the spouse’s unhappiness and then told by the ministry they seek for help “to leave the spouse in God’s hands and only work on you” or “change starts with you,” can come under the false pressure that “You broke the marriage and it’s up to you to fix it.”
I want to be clear on this, there are cases of abuse where the spouse needed to leave (not divorce) for their safety, and the Stander needed to change. But this is usually not the case and not what we are addressing here.
Most spouses simply need a reason. They will take flaws found in you that never bothered them before and suddenly use them as a springboard to launch themselves right out of their vows and straight on the path to the grave. Citing that, because of those flaws, you made them unhappy and marriage to you was unbearable. This is textbook deflection, excuses, and reasoning that a spouse with a darkened mind turns to. They have chosen to follow the path of selfishness, and deflection is needed to ease the guilt. Blaming you gives them the “right” to continue doing what they are doing.
Why do we tell the Stander to work on themselves?
There is a reason we express this so much. It’s a time for you to grow closer to God and change. This is not because you drove your spouse away, God only knows the reasons, but it’s a time for you to take advantage of and get to know your first Husband without the distraction of your spouse. Many of us are unaware of our purpose, kingdom identity, authority and have not yet learned the deeper love and adoption of the Father. We want you to seek God for YOU and your relationship with Him, not because we agree with your spouse that you are the reason for the breakdown of your marriage. And not just because you want your spouse to come home.
Of course, through this seeking, you will find answers to your role as a husband or a wife and learn to be a better spouse, how to love, respect and cherish. Some of us do have some repenting to do for how we treated or mistreated our spouse. Some do have very serious issues, but it was never enough for the spouse to justify turning their back on God and being faithless and unfaithful.
Since you didn’t cause the spouse to leave, you should not be responsible for the spouse’s return. God must deal with the heart that chose to run away in rebellion, abandonment and chose to not work through it.
Please, be free from being in charge of showing your spouse you changed so they can come home. It was never about you being good enough, fixed enough, or the better choice.
It’s about the heart that refuses to own up to their responsibility and chose the easy way out instead of staying to work through it. It’s about a person’s spirit that has caused discontent and unrest because it’s not getting what it was created to have, a close relationship with Jesus.
Remember, even though this storm is most likely the worst thing you will ever go through, it has a purpose. To awaken the soul to hear the voice of the Shepherd!
“Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven. Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind.” ( Psalm 107:28-31 NIV)
Standing with you,
Sheila Hollinger
