You know you should forgive, you have read many times about what happens if you don’t. But for some reason, there is something that is holding you back. The answer to this is one that makes people shut the door when they come across it, because it’s not a pleasant diagnosis. For example, Anyone that has pride is not going to read an article labeled pride unless God is pressing them, exposing pride, and has them digging for answers. Same with those in self-pity, or victim mentality. For those not ready to see themselves and are unaware of what is going on, the moment those words come up, something in a person with self-pity or a victim mentality is going to rise up in rebellion and shut the door quick because those words are finger-pointing accusations that hurt deeply when you are accused. But how does a person with a victim mentality, pride, and self-pity actually get help if the very thing they need to read is what they reject?

Well, the person bringing the message, in this case, me…….prays and asks God for help in how to get the message to them through a back door so pride will not rise up to protect them and block the message. So, if you are still reading, and in need of this message, praise God I just might have gotten past pride and slipped in the back door. Let’s hope we keep it that way!

Why Can’t I Let Go of the Offense?

When real hurt occurs, and I am talking about a hurt that comes against a person’s core value, worth, identity, and character and says “I don’t want you anymore.” That kind of hurt can produce OR intensify a root of unworthiness or rejection that will then start to produce some things that causes pride to have to rise up as a protector.

Pride will form a system of beliefs that are really LIES in order to protect you. It will tell you that you can not, under any circumstances forgive them, let them free, off the hook because that will mean that….

`1. What was done to you has no meaning or value. Which only enforces that you are not valuable.
2, To keep yourself worthy, valuable, part of society, you must hold onto the offense because the moment you allow the person to be free without paying back, without vindication, and they get off scott free, then you go back to being an outcast and unworthy. 

When you come across messages that say they deserve mercy, compassion, and validation. Everything YOU crave and are not willing to share with them might sicken you to see your offender get any compassion for their “problem.”
Pride wants its offenders to pay a certain way. The more hurt they hold, the more they want their offender to hurt.

This is the root of unworthiness and carries a lot of fear, expectations, and demands for repayment.

If deep down, you don’t feel worthy, you will rebel against the pain they caused. Since you don’t feel worthy of being vindicated and justified, the pride will put you into a posture of ‘victim’ to help you get all your needs met.

HOW do you get rid of this pride and the web of lies and come into agreement with the truth?

Instead of knowing your worth in Him, being guarded and protected by it, grounded in it, unworthiness will make a person place all the burden to be worthy on the shoulders of their offender instead of on Jesus. In a warped understanding, if that offender gets off the hook, there goes any worthiness they had from the offender being punished.

When you feel worthy as a child of God, you won’t have a great need to be justified and vindicated and will let God vindicate you. But unworthiness will fight to get it. Demand it because it’s a gaping hole that screams day and night.

The only way to know your worth is to come in contact and experience the worth and value of accepting God has picked you. he has set His heart on You and said “THAT ONE IS MINE.” Your value comes from ONE thing. THAT God wanted you. When you want something, it brings value and worth to it. Because God WANTS YOU, that makes you valued!

Worthiness brings you peace and knows this is not about you. They are the ones that need help, and your knowledge of being worthy because HE made you worthy by His adoption will bring you to a place of compassion and mercy. Where you will see your spouse as a spouse and not an offender. You won’t ever see yourself as a victim.

Having compassion and mercy for someone does NOT diminish one bit what has been done against you. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have no right to the experience or feelings. It doesn’t mean you have to put yourself back into that situation or even trust.
Forgiveness opens the door to see them as a person and not an offender who needs to be punished. It helps you to extend what you have been given yourself. The power of the cross.

If a message makes you feel like it’s your fault. Like it’s asking you to give power to your offender and see they may actually have a reason they did what they did and you feel it’s letting them off the hook and justifying their actions against you….if that angers you….this is something you need to pray and seek God for.

Are they excluded? Could there not be a valid reason for their bad choices that deeply hurt you? While many of them don’t have a clue what they are and may have blamed you, that is not truth. And if you are able to see past that and accept the real truth, you will be first to be free of the lie.

The lie and underlying belief in the lie is what holds people captive. Once that lie is refuted. The truth will set people free.

 Standing with you,
Sheila Hollinger


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(~Marriage Revealed Ministries Inc. is committed to helping bring healing and restoration to couples who are struggling in their marriage. We do this through the revelation of Who God is and His heart and design for marriage which never intends abuse in any form. If you suspect abuse in your relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit them online at