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God did not create us to have a “midlife” crisis when we were unhappy. But He did create our spirits to alert us to a crisis if it was not in alignment with God.

It doesn’t matter how old your spouse is, how long you were married, if you have kids, or if there was adultery or not. It’s about the condition and maturity of the heart/soul/spirit of a person. 

A spiritual identity crisis can happen during any part of an adult’s life. When I went to look up the statistics for the mid-life crisis, it varied depending on the surveyor. The age was clear, late 30’s to 60’s. But the percentage varied. 15%-44% of people experience a crisis sometime during their life that lasts on average 3-7 years but as long 10 for some.

Why? What is the cause of the “mid-life” crisis?

This message is to help clarify and explain how God designed us. We are created with a soul, a spirit, and given an allotted measure of faith.

Let’s talk about these three things. It’s a very deep subject, so I will try to be as brief as possible, but it’s very necessary to know to help you STAND FIRM for your lost beloved.

First, everyone has a soul; your soul is YOU, your passion, desire, carnal nature. It’s your heart, mind, and will and all the feelings and emotions that they provide. It’s where you fall in love, rebel, and sin. It’s where you make choices, where unbelief, fear, worry, and doubts are produced. Souls can be knit and tied to other people. The soul gets lost, confused, and is easily trapped as it seeks out the lusts of the flesh.

The soul is your ship to steer and it’s yours to give as you decide to willingly give and surrender your “life” over to God. And that is what God is after, souls. For this reason, God has blueprinted into us safety measures to get us ALL home.

 He has also planted eternity [a sense of divine purpose] in the human heart [a mysterious longing which nothing under the sun can satisfy, except God] Ecc 3:11 Amp

Your spirit is a bit different. It’s what needs to be reborn and come alive. It’s where God speaks to us, through our spirits. Where we become ONE with Him when we surrender our life to Him. When we are filled with His Spirit, it’s how we are led and “walk in the Spirit.”

But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with Him in spirit. 1 Corinthians 6:17 BSB
The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Romans 8:16 NLT

Your spirit lays waiting for the birth. It also produces feelings and emotions that are in agreement and alignment with God. You may not “hear” but be led through your spirit through feelings or emotions. This is where the measure of faith lives. The measure of faith ALL MAN IS GIVEN (Romans 12:3). Your spirit is the one that is always in conflict with your soul and flesh, it’s where conviction from the Lord comes through.

At some point in a person’s life, usually, as they grow older,  the spirit will start to groan in protest when it’s not in one accord with its Kingdom purpose. Just as a man or woman is designed to be ONE flesh, and the soul groans with a longing to be unified, married, loved, create a family, so is the spirit within a person created for fellowship, identity, and adoption,  to be ONE with God.

Not only that, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. Romans 8:23 ESV

((I highly recommend reading all of Romans 8. ))

But most don’t understand this longing, discontent, and restlessness, and will confuse it with a soul longing. They will seek to fill the spirit’s void by filling the soul. This is where many come to a crossroads, and sadly chose the path that brings devastation to the family. Many things will interfere and hinder, block the right path to chose. This confusion is part of God’s perfect design. Created to help reveal His sons and daughters.

20 Meanwhile, creation is confused, but not because it wants to be confused. God made it this way in the hope 21 that creation would be set free from decay and would share in the glorious freedom of his children. Romans 8

If a person grew up with religion instead of a relationship with Jesus, was hurt by the church, they will turn angrily away from God. This is why we see many believers suddenly walking completely away from their position in the church and even walking away from God altogether.

We see men, who lived under the contentious, dominant woman, stifled in knowing their position and place, go into deep rebellion. Women who were deeply hurt, rejected, unloved become the rejecter and start searching for love in all the wrong relationships.

We see both men and women who are troubled in temptations and knowing identity who enter into same-sex relationships and gender confusion.

At some point in a person’s life, the spirit that is not in a right, true relationship with God will start to wake up and protest. This can happen to believers who are “serving” but self-serving. When Jesus says, “Depart from Me, I never knew you,” Matt 7:23 He is talking to people who are serving; doing things in His name, but not in the will of the Father, and walking in a relationship that serves themselves.

Our spirit is created to protest, to cry out and groan and trouble our soul when it’s not on the path to eternal life, or when it doesn’t know the Shepard’s voice. 

Even though it brings a very devastating storm, it is a blessing. 

The perfect plan would be for a person to hear the cry of the spirit and understand its longing for God and take that path. But some don’t, they rebel due to past or current wounds, offense, or plain and simple selfishness. Wanting to be happy and overcome many regrets.


The person will look at life, job, family, spouse, even God, and may become angry and bitter. Not realizing where the problem lies, they will blame the spouse, marriage, job, family. Feeling unhappy and discontent, they will yield and turn themselves entirely over to the flesh. And God permits it. He allows them this season, which can be LONG (3-7 years), to “Seek but not find” rest for the longing, while the spirit keeps protesting and trying to grow up. It wants to be birthed or to grow. They are lost in WHO they are, and to WHOM they belong.

Our spirits are trying to save the soul!

That looks horrible to us. We see selfishness and rebellion. We see our spouse acting like a child, irresponsible, and becoming someone opposite of what the spirit is trying to do. But it’s necessary. God has a way of getting them to come to the end of trying in the soul.

Standers, again, we can’t interfere with what God is trying to do. We can’t stop the awaking and the saving of their souls. If they come home still unsaved, that spirit is NOT going to remain quiet just because they have come back.

A person’s spirit is crying out, “I am not with my Creator; I am not walking in my Kingdom purpose. I don’t know my identity.” And it will raise a HUGE uproar. This causes people to become radical, desperate; even depressed, and suicidal if they keep denying and rebelling against God. The rebellion and stubbornness are due to pride, wounded pride, and an unwillingness to forgive and yield. A man that would rather die than yield because they are angry at God.

This is where our prayers are needed. To pray for their hearts to forgive, to yield, and submit. To be humble and allow God in. And to overcome their selfish pride!!!

I can’t stress enough how important it is for Standers to understand that God is trying to save souls of both the Stander and the lost spouse. And there are just as many LOST Standers who have infant spirits that God is trying to grow.

We all need to stop fighting the storm that has come to save the soul and learn to trust that it has come to do a job. Every one of us needs to learn how to trust God. If the storm is still raging, then the work is not done! My suggestion is to give thanks. Yes, thank Him for the storm and for what it is going to bring.

Standing with you,
Sheila Hollinger


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(~Marriage Revealed Ministries Inc. is committed to helping bring healing and restoration to couples who are struggling in their marriage. We do this through the revelation of Who God is and His heart and design for marriage which never intends abuse in any form. If you suspect abuse in your relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit them online at