One of the pits and snares I often found myself in, was allowing my wounded heart to lead me into these mind sessions where I would reconstruct and replay the ‘scene’ or the offense over and over and over. Each time I replayed a scene, I would fabricate new things to say to my defense. New, BRILLIANT things that would, in a snap, open my spouse’s eyes and change him. Even fabricating lies that would discredit their “love.”
These self-counseling, daydreaming sessions always took place with the intention of bringing some type of healing to my wounded heart. BUT God revealed to me that my wounded heart was looking for help. It was looking for something to save it from the agony it was going through, and PRIDE came in to save the day.
Pride comes from unresolved hurts, rejection, and unworthiness, to name just a few. Pride will present itself as a savior to your hurting wounded ego.
PRIDE could not accept that I was rejected, replaced, and treated so unfairly. It was seeking justification, validation, and at times, vengeance. Pride promises things like validation which are very hard to resist.
The problem with being counseled by pride is it would quickly summon pain, and with that came anger and bitterness. I would most often end those sessions with a text filled with bitterness to my spouse, which of course would bring out his ego and pride. So, our pride-filled egos would go head to head in a battle that NO ONE WON! Many of us have seen pride in our spouses and understand how difficult it is to come against that defensive wall.
When I learned to zip it and had not learned the proper way to deal with my wounded ego, I would internalize the pain and get sad, depressed, or worse, take it out on my kids. That undealt with wounded pride would manifest as deep pain, grief, wanting to end my life, despair, and hopelessness.
I would even start to daydream about turning hard-hearted myself. Turning into the lost beloved – THAT would teach my spouse a lesson. I would dream of the day that he would return and I would say, “Sorry bud, TOO LATE! You have destroyed our love and marriage, and now you decide to come back? Like you hold all the power? You decided to leave, and I’m supposed to also let you decide when to repent and come back?”
Yes, this was ALL pride from a wounded ego leading me.
I’ve come to learn these sessions led me straight down the rabbit hole. When you replay YOUR grief, YOUR pain, YOUR plight, you are once again turning away and fixating on YOU. You can’t walk on water or rise above the storm UNLESS you firmly fix your eyes on JESUS!
There is a reason God HATES PRIDE and resists the pride in us. He won’t reward our pride at all. He won’t engage in our pity parties, our pride-filled rants, and conversations with Him. He cannot reward our pride and self-pity parties because it would HARM US! He can’t coddle pride because it would prevent us from maturing and growing in a healthy way. Pride goes before the fall. Pride blocks and hinders our growth because it suffocates out the voice of God. When you are so ruled and in self (pride) you are resisting GOD!
The antidote against pride is humility. And pride HATES being humble. When you have to come against your own pride, most would rather cut off their arm than bow and submit to any humbling thoughts or suggestions. Humility is submission, obedience. Pride works in the realms of rebellion and self-serving and self-seeking.
Next time you enter into one of those counseling sessions, quickly run to God. Confess to Him that your pain has turned to pride for comfort instead of Him. Confess, cry out, and seek humility. HIS word will validate your pain. His nature and Who He is will justify that what is being done is wrong. His love will bring comfort to your wounded heart. ONLY God can bring real true healing to all those places to which pride tries to be a savior. There is only ONE TRUE SAVIOR. Pride…you just aren’t it!
Standing with you,
Sheila Hollinger
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