Sometimes we are our own worst enemy, where the real enemy doesn’t have to do much because our own pride is enough. There was a time where I lived as a victim, feeling very sorry for myself and refused to see anything but what was being done “to me.”

Having a victim mindset will clash and oppress a kingdom mindset, keep you living in pain, torment, and even bitterness. I had this victim mindset, and I was perfectly happy to remain there, BUT GOD!

I had been lying on my bed, on my face crying to God. I had my list of offenses and was ticking them off one by one to God. I was bringing before God every single thing my spouse did TO ME. I also was quite upset that God had been very silent at this time of my life when I needed Him the most. My pain was out of control. I felt isolated, suffocated, and in such despair. I felt my spouse’s rejection double and now God’s.

And just as it happens, my hurt turned to pure anger – anger at my spouse, the ow, and God. Anger then turns to wanting to take matters into our own hands. I wrote my husband a nasty text! See, that morning, he had crept in during the night. I woke to the sound of my kids laughing with delight that daddy was home when they woke up. Wait? Was this the same boy that cried himself to sleep for two nights, woke at 1 am searching for his daddy, and started crying all over? Where was THAT little boy? Before my eyes was a boy all full of love and happiness that his dad was asleep on the couch and he was now pouncing all over him smothering him with love. I was not happy. I wanted that little boy to ream his dad up one side and down the other for what he had put him through. But he wasn’t. He had let go of the offense and was just so happy to have his dad back.

But I was not going to let it go. I typed out my text and was about to hit send when God FINALLY spoke to me through a vision.  I was lying in a grave, covered in dirt. He showed me the pit I had dug out, buried, and covered myself in. It was self-pity. He explained that this kind of pit was not a place that He was going to come and rescue me from. That feeling sorry for myself was something I was going to have to figure out how to come out of. But how? I was so deep in this pit! I was so far down that it seemed hopeless. How was I going to be free if God was not going to help me?

How God?  Then God showed me what I looked like from above. I could see my toes sticking out from underneath the dirt. It was SHALLOW. He said, “all you have to do is sit up.” I knew what sitting up meant. It meant I was laying down my right to be hurt. I was telling God that He could have my hurt, and be in charge of how to help me. It meant I was no longer going to hold onto my hurt and demand justice.

I laid there.
Again, “All you have to do is sit up.”
I laid there.
Silence

I did not want to sit up. The inner struggle was REAL. I wanted to be hurt, be prideful. Be justified. Be self-righteous. THEY WERE HURTING ME. ME. ME. I was doing nothing wrong. It was THEM!!!!! How dare God ask me to not be hurt, offended. How dare He ask me to let them off the hook!

But deep inside, understanding came from my spirit. This place where I was at, was worse than death. There was no love, no joy, no light, only darkness and it felt like I was dying. I asked myself, “Is this really worth it? Is what he is doing to ME, worth killing myself for?” And worst of all, it was stopping God from talking to me.

Finally, I sat up. I could not live apart from God. Could NOT live without hearing His voice.

I knew the first thing to do was confess and ask God to teach me about self-pity. He had already been trying to get me to understand the message “It’s not about you.”

Slowly I came to see and understand the trap of self.

We get offended and hurt by what someone does. We make it very personal, adding in our judgments and reasonings as to why they have done what they did. This type of judgment prevents us from seeing the truth. They are NOT running from us, but from God.

Self-pity takes the offense and isolates us within its folds. We start to wallow within this muck. I believed the lies that my spouse loved everything and everyone more than me. I became so twisted up in my self-pity, that everything that went wrong, was to be blamed on my spouse and his choices. The washer broke, it was his fault. My son got very ill – it was my spouse’s fault. Self-pity is evil, cruel, and will warp and twist you, deforming you physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

When self-pity comes, it prevents forgiveness and compassion. It stops you from hearing God through your spirit because SELF-pity is a SOULISH stronghold. God talks to your spirit. If you are a born-again Christian, it’s IMPOSSIBLE for our spirits, which are infused with God to not hear Him in some form or another, UNLESS our souls are completely interfering and suppressing our spirits.

SELF PITY is rooted in PRIDE!

Pride will become the judge, jury, and sentencer. Pride will hand out the sentence and refuse an appeal. They offended you, and YOU will be in control of when they are free and forgiven. You will determine when they can be released and forgiven. This IS NOT the way of God!

I remember when I was accused of forgiving too quickly. I had to really think about that. Why was I so quick to forgive? It was because I hated being upset with my husband. I hated feeling hurt and being offended. In order for me to keep that up, I had to stay mad. I had to stay hurt. I had to keep pride going. I hated it. So, yes, I would quickly forgive and sweep the offense into God’s hands because I just wanted to resume life and live in peace and harmony. Again, the accusations came that I was not giving him consequences. I struggled with this. But God showed me something one morning.

My kids had not seen daddy in a few days, and they welcomed him again with love and affection. I woke again to the sounds of their playful wrestling with daddy. I chose to love him and join in that morning. I made him coffee and laid down my harsh attitude that filled the air with condemnation and shaming. After a few minutes, he broke down. He could handle the love of the kids and expected my hurt attitude. But this other me, the one that was sincerely letting go of his offense……….he did not deserve it and it broke him. He had built up defensive walls against my offended heart. But my sincere love, with NO judgments, no offense, no withholding forgiveness……..SHATTERED right through that thick wall.

Now, I wish I could tell you that is how it went every time, but I can’t because it’s very hard to get yourself past pride. To keep being hurt and damaged over and over and exhausting to keep battling your pride. It was easier to just stay hurt and pretend to forgive. Only he knew the difference because you can’t fake attitude.

I can tell you, that once I had a taste of this, I knew what God wanted of me and I tried my best to pursue it. I had my eyes opened up to what self-pity was and how God was NOT pleased with it to the point of going silent on me. That disturbed me more than anything. I live to hear my Father’s voice and know that He enjoys talking to me. So after that, I begged the Holy Spirit to always let me know when self-pity was around. It always came back to me going over my checklists of what my spouse did and was doing, me making judgments against him and his choices. Thinking and assuming I knew exactly what his motives were.

We don’t know their heart. We don’t know their motives. We can’t even come CLOSE to knowing what God knows, or IF GOD HAD HIDDEN TRUTH FROM THEM!!! We must let go of our offenses, judgments, and self-righteousness. We are ONLY hurting ourselves and putting ourselves into a pity party table in the corner. A place that is meant for a child. NOT a Child of God, but a child of immaturity. It’s time to grow up and eat at the adult’s table. Where love and compassion abound…..pride is not welcome here!

Standing with you,
Sheila Hollinger