Unnecessary Pain-Standing for Marriage Restoration

ll Standers will endure and struggle with pain, but some of that pain comes on stronger than it needs to be. Some we tend to create, and some should not be there at all. 

It seems obvious as we tend to assign all the pain as coming from ONE thing and that one person that could change it all if they just came home or changed their ways.

There is a beautiful pain that we partake in as we intercede and travail for another, entering into the SAME suffering that Jesus calls us to. A pain that births greater and more wonderful things. The pain of knowing the love of God, and understanding that your spouse is genuinely lost and doesn’t know that love. It’s a pain with compassion rooted in love for them; a love that is not selfish or self-seeking, and keeps no record. Love doesn’t protect us from pain, but rather opens the door to it. To harden against this kind of pain is what some do out of fear. In reality, they are only hardening to love!

Here we discuss the many ways we open ourselves up to UNDUE pain.

Hidden Roots 

A person that has insecurity, roots of unworthiness, rejection, shame, and other unhealed wounds will not only deal with the pain of what their spouse is going through, but these unhealed places in their life will produce EXTRA pain. When these roots are within us, the fruit from these bad roots will prevent us from seeing the truth. We will have a much harder time BELIEVING the truth of God and what He says to us and about us. These roots cause unbelief, and the individual will reject God’s love, goodness, and even His blessings. This pain will lessen as God is invited to heal those places within us. And, the STAND will expose all of our secrets! These roots will drive us to do things that cause MORE pain. One thing to know about these roots – they usually are all intertwined together to make a stronghold over your life that refutes the perfect will, plan, and promise God has for your life!

Insecurity will drive a person to control and manipulate; methods which will fail as our ways meet with resistance, hardened hearts, bitterness, and resentment toward our control.

A sense of unworthiness will not allow us to believe the best. We will always make up reasons why they do what they do, and those reasons reflect our belief that we are not worthy. “They don’t love me because I am not worthy of being loved.” “They love them more because the OP is better than I.”

Rejection will put a wall between you and God. You will reject HIM as a safety precaution before the rejection that you are sure is coming, comes! Being angry and not trusting God is a sure sign that you are rejecting Him. Anger is a fruit of pain! Shame lies and says you did wrong. You DESERVE THIS! You can’t be forgiven, and you are reaping what you sowed. You were BAD, and now you are being punished for this.

 OTHER places we cause undue pain: 

 Sin, disobedience, distractions~There is an escape from the pain. A promised refuge for those that seek Him and spend time being renewed and transformed through the Word of God, praise, and worship. We are promised JOY and PEACE. That is enough to handle and manage pain. But sin, disobedience, laziness, and distractions separate and keep us from doing what we should; allowing us to make excuses, instead of pushing through.  

Unforgiveness~The Word says when we do not forgive someone, we are turned over to the jailer to be tormented. Need I explain more how we can cause our own pain by not extending forgiveness?

NOT knowing God ~ enough to trust Him fully will cause us to try to do things in our own strength. Taking matters into our own hands and timing will always produce pain. Pressuring your spouse to give you answers before they are seeing and thinking clearly will be painful as they can only share their understanding FROM that place of darkness.

Gossip, slander, exposing~When we choose to take the enemy’s works and give him the glory by repeating it to anyone willing to listen, we are permitting the enemy to torment us. The anger that comes after you hang up the phone, bashing your spouse, sharing the latest juicy details of what just happened, that anger is the pain of exposure. Be real with yourself. WHAT good came from it? Did it help your faith and encourage you? Did it help you love your spouse more? Or, did it increase your desire to give up and walk away? Gossip and exposure create pain!

Expectations~To interject how YOU would react to something is unfair. You would think, expect, understand, and REACT and handle things the way YOU would. But to expect someone else, especially a lost, broken, deceived person to do what you would do is NOT FAIR. Those expectations will cause you intense pain.

Self-pity~Entering a place of “I deserve better – not this.” “Why can’t I have happiness? Why do I have to suffer?” Looking at and comparing what others have and being upset is a sign of feeling sorry for yourself. That is pure pain and torture because it’s removing God and everyone and isolating you in a total state of selfishness. Self-pity locks you in a place of “it’s ALL ABOUT ME.” You may do things for others, but in truth, you are doing it for you. Self-pity creates an atmosphere that can never be fed enough. It’s a ravenous monster that wants more and more to be satisfied.

Leaning on your own understanding~When you try to figure things out because not knowing and fully understanding makes you feel helpless and out of control, it puts you into a classroom where God will not give you what you want. Truth will be withheld until you are seeking answers for the RIGHT reasons. But sometimes this classroom drives you nuts and, instead of your learning to trust God and be at peace with NOT KNOWING, you will make up your own reasons and jump to conclusions. That is leaning on your own understanding, and it’s usually ALWAYS WRONG. Most that lean on their own understanding will paint the worst negative conclusions and create a ‘truth’ that brings much pain. They will spend time believing a lie that they created because they could not wait for God to reveal the truth to them.

Gullibility~To not test what is being seen or what is told to you. To take their word and believe them above God puts you in a place where the enemy can control you and keep you bound in the pain of the lie. Don’t be gullible. Don’t listen to anyone but God and His Word!

Obsession~being completely absorbed in every detail and meditating on those details. Not exercising self-discipline and putting your focus on God on purpose. Replaying, over and over, all the painful things that were done and being done. Holding onto all the painful things that have been said to you. Snooping to find more to feed the obsession. 

Unbelief~I listed this one last, but it’s the most necessary to understand. Why it has its own Articles. Unbelief and The Wilderness Challenge.  

Many of us fear pain and will do ungodly things to avoid it, even to the point of falling into deception and hardening our hearts, manipulating, and trying to control the situation. To overcome fear, you must pursue truth over unbelief and trust God to get you through ANY situation. Be TEACHABLE, and have a humble spirit, not allowing pride to harden you to the perfect will of God.

Standing with you,
Sheila Hollinger