Shame and condemnation are two powerful and extremely controlling and manipulating situations that not only our lost beloved’s face but Standers as well.

Condemnation will prevent and delay repentance, widening the gap between them and God, and drive a deeper wedge that divides you and your spouse.

The enemy will heap these two things upon their heads to keep them BOUND IN SIN. Lying to them and making them feel and believe they can never be free, cleansed or worthy to come to the feet of Jesus or to go home.

Condemnation is an enemy of forgiveness and the cross. It says, “there is no forgiveness for YOU. What you have done, are doing, DISQUALIFIES YOU.”

The power of these two strongholds is so underestimated that it really needs a true heart revelation from the Father for us to grasp unless YOU yourself have been under the weight and deception, you just won’t fathom how powerful it is.

Condemnation will contort, twist, manipulate and control. It’s a feeling that will bring anger to most and make them lash out at God and their spouse. Deflecting and blaming the one that is responsible for bringing the condemnation and shame. To them, it feels like they are in a firing squad line up and YOU are holding the weapons.

A lost beloved writes, “When I got that text, saw my kids, saw them smiling and laughing. I will be honest, I just got mad at you. How dare you send me that to make me feel bad for not being in their life!”

When you are no longer the one heaping it upon their head, the enemy will turn them against themselves. He will be their consistent accuser day and night. He never relents; never gives up. Is NEVER SILENT!

“For the accuser of our brethren is cast down, which accused them before our God day and night,” Revelation 12:10

Here is a personal testimony from a Stander who was once the lost spouse who departed into sin and ran from her marriage……

“I was at a Christmas party with the other man. I went into the bathroom and was on the floor sobbing. I wanted to go home to my husband and family so bad. But I just could not. I was so ashamed. I felt so unworthy and so I dried my tears and faced the situation I had created. I lived in that hell of condemnation for 3 more years before I finally could not take it anymore and cried out to God to set me free.”

“The more shame and condemnation I felt, the more I ran away from God and drank. I was so angry at God I wanted nothing to do with Him.”

As a Stander, praying and interceding for our spouses, we must be diligent to come against the accuser of the brethren who is relentless in his pursuit over BOTH OF YOU.

Here is the “fruit” of what you will see from someone under shame and condemnation:

  • Blocks you and the children from their life. Goes no contact.
  • Doesn’t reach out or show up on holidays or children’s special days.
  • Finds something that doesn’t bring shame and condemnation and goes all out to build that up. That may be a new relationship, new friends and family.

Fear of rejection and heaping more shame will keep them running, avoiding, and distancing themselves. It keeps them driven to find things that make them feel better about themselves and shut up the voice that screams day and night “You are a BAD person, you ARE a failure.” If they can find something or someone that says “I love and accept you for who you are.” They will cling to it.


Condemnation will turn YOUR heart to listen as it sets up its stronghold, “They are unworthy of forgiveness; their sin has made them lose value. They are no longer worthy of respect. They are foul and are no longer included. The Cross is not for them.”

Once this stronghold is in place, he will lead YOU to be the accuser through your wounded heart. Fueling your feelings and emotions with accusations to heap burning coals of shame and condemnation upon their heads. He will use your MOTIVES. You will set up boundaries to punish, poison your children, friends and family against your spouse through your words.

Are you sending that email, text, scripture out of pure love because the Holy Spirit has led you? OR are you being led by the enemy and your own flesh to condemn their sin? To make them feel bad? Does it bring pleasure to your heart to inform them “The bank just called, and you are so behind in your payments they are going to repo your car. I’m just letting you know! AND I’M PRAYING FOR YOU” While silently in your heart you are beaming with joy that they are FALLING.

“When your enemy has fallen, do not rejoice, and when he is overthrown, let not your heart leap for joy,” Proverbs 24:17 

“He who mocks the poor taunts his Maker; He who rejoices at calamity will not go unpunished,” Proverbs 17:5

Shaming is a way to take revenge. You hurt me and I am going to hurt you back, make you feel and know what you put me and our family through. The more you ‘see’ them escaping consequences, reaping what they have sown, seeing them happy, ‘blessed’ and living a good life, the greater your desire will be to knock them off that high horse will be. Shaming and revenge is also a deep need the lost spouse will feel if they have resentments against you for “ruining” their life. The need to hurt you back will be strong.



First, we need to always be in agreement with God in our own hearts. For there to be found no hidden or secret sins harboring in us. We must always come before God with a “let’s begin with ME search, expose, repent, and root out” attitude!

“Create in me a CLEAN heart and renew a right spirit within me!” Psalm 51:10

Don’t underestimate the power to JUSTIFY condemning someone of their sins. Especially if you are hurt by their lack of forgiving you and continuing to not forgive you. When someone refuses to let go of your past, it will create a situation in you to take revenge. “You are going to throw my sins at me, I’m going to throw your sins at you.” You will JUSTIFY this action. If this is you, you must repent to God and know that He doesn’t bless your communication of condemnation. In fact, He may protect your spouse from being further hurt by you! Now is that eye-opening? God protecting your spouse FROM YOU and your efforts to hurt them more!

Once your heart and motives are right………….now you can pray!

God has given you rights over your spouse. You are ONE. You are either her covering or his helpmate. PRAY against the accuser! Plead the blood of Jesus over their minds and hearts. For God to release them from the bondage of shame, guilt and condemnation. For the enemy’s lies and snares to be loosed and silenced off them. So they can BREATHE and see and think clearly. So they are FREE to cry out to God without having a mountain of condemnation blocking their way.

Standing with you,
Sheila Hollinger