Blaming Your Spouse?

New Standers, this is for you, and it’s SO important for you to please take this lesson here slowly and process what I am about to tell you.

Everything you THINK is the reason for the breakdown of the marriage, is highly likely NOT the reason at all!

At the beginning of my 7-year storm, I thought the answer to everything was my husband coming home, stopping his rebellion, and turning his heart back to me. I was so sure that every single thing that was wrong with me (fears, pain, mistrust, insecurity) was BECAUSE of my husband’s infidelity and reckless rebellion. I am going to give you a huge nugget of wisdom here. My fears and insecurity were NOT because of what my husband was doing, that was always there, it just became evident when what he did exposed these things in me.

I blamed my husband for everything that I felt and believed that if my husband just came home, I would not longer be afraid and I would become secure again. Boy was I wrong. Because my husband DID come home and guess what? My insecurity increased. My fears increased. I studied his every word, facial features, the songs he listened to, the movies he watched. I judged his every move. If he gave the slightest hint that he was upset with me, I went crazy with fear and insecurity. If he ignored me, came home late from work, drank too much, went outside to talk on his phone, did ANYTHING even remotely suspicious, I went NUTS with my feelings and emotions. So yes, he came home, so why was I worse? My husband was trying to get us back to normal during the first few months. So why could I not get back to normal?

Because the fears and insecurity that I had deep inside were exposed. I was not a woman who trusted God, lived by faith and had confidence in the Lord. I was a woman that lived by feelings, emotions, and what I believed in………..and while I professed to believe in God, I didn’t have enough knowledge of Him to actually believe in the RIGHT things! I believed more in the ways of the world and what my feelings made me believe. I didn’t know that to believe in God, meant you had to refute your feelings so you could live by faith. To believe in God meant you had to know about Him through His word so you could recognize all the lies you were believing in.  

What your spouse is doing is going to bring out a lot of things if you do not create them. Things that were most likely always present but not active enough to become an issue. Fear, anger, worry, bitterness, resentments, self-pity, pride, rebellion, insecurity. Because many of these things were not an issue UNTIL your spouse made you aware of them, its easy to blame the spouse for them, but the truth is immaturity in your understanding of God, not having a really strong foundational relationship with Him is how many of these things developed within you. And your spouse coming home is NOT going to make them go away, especially if your spouse returns unrepentant.

My advice to you, when you have an emotion that you are struggling to work through and deal with, find yourself blaming your spouse for, and believing the solution is if they would “just come home.” STOP. Take it God and seek how He can help you heal, change, overcome through a relationship with HIM, not through your spouse coming home or helping you heal through it.  

When I became secure in who I was because I finally started to know Who He was, my husband’s actions and opinions of me didn’t affect me like they once did.

When I started to really understand God’s love for me, it drove out the fear that my husband kept causing in me. Yes, His love drives out fear because knowing how much God loves you brings you so much security! 

So this is my nugget to you. The things you are struggling with are not really from your spouse, but from something you might be missing in your relationship with God. Stop looking to your spouse to help you, start looking to the Lord! And be PATIENT. It takes time to mature and grow in understanding, especially if a lot of lies have to be dismantled and replaced with truth. 

Standing with you,
Sheila Hollinger