During the very beginning of my Stand, I was very energetic and driven to work hard in the flesh to fix my broken spouse and marriage. Along with that drive, came many sleepless nights, endless hours of praying, talking to friends, family, pastors, my husband’s family, and friends. I was bound and determined to find a solution. I looked all over the web for articles and help. The only thing I was not looking for was peace. I didn’t need it at that time. I was too engulfed with the mission to save my marriage. Seeking peace seemed like surrender or taking a step back while I lessoned my efforts and I was not ready to do that………not yet. I was too driven by the task before me to get back what I had lost, and peace was not part of my mission. To me, peace would only come AFTER I got my spouse back. Plain and simple. I didn’t want peace IN the Storm.

Eventually, I did. Failure got me there. With each perfectly planned out move, lecture, pitiful meltdown tempter tantrum, manipulation pity party plot, and seduction move that FAILED where I was turned away feeling rejected and bruised, I learned the hard way. What I was doing was not working. I had a husband that a lot of times told me exactly what I wanted to hear to avoid conflict and my long lectures. He knew exactly how to shut me up by saying the perfect thing to me. But his actions were contrary and this really really messed with my heart and mind. Or sometimes he was just downright rude and angry. Saying things that were devastating or outright twisted truth and lies. 

It took a long time for me to finally get tired and weary of being lied to. Being led to believe he was really trying to change, only to be let down. I felt like my life was one huge roller coaster of hope and disappointments. I cycled through faith, fear, hope, despair, anger, and numbness all day long. It exhausted me to the point where I started to want to give up and really think about letting him go. That was my only option at that point. Either live the way I had been living, which was taking a huge toll on my health and mental well being or quit. I just saw NO other option at that time because I was a very uneducated, immature, and worldly Christian who had never learned the true concept of faith, trust, and having confidence in God. 

I remember waking up and wanting NO part in Standing. No part in interceding. I was so tired and angry and I just wanted to be left alone. But I saw no other option than to remain standing so I finally went to God and said “What I am doing is NOT working. Do You have another way? How can I do this without driving myself into the ground?” 

Finally!!! I was ready for peace. I was not ready to really quit Standing or giving up on my spouse. But I was ready to quit feeling so tossed about.

I was ready to give up MY ways and do it God’s way!

I was ready to experience quiet, rest, peace. And when I had those rare moments of peace, content, joy………..times where I felt NO fear, just confidence in God, it opened my eyes to that third option that had eluded me.

I could live IN the storm in peace? I could live with the storm raging and be sheltered? Unaffected and safe? I could have contentment? My husband could go about doing what he was doing and I could live my life on the platform, not riding that roller coaster with him? You mean I could have a NORMAL, STABLE life during the worst time of my life???

What was this peace and how did I get it? 

“You will keep in perfect and constant peace the one whose mind is steadfast [that is, committed and focused on You—in both inclination and character], Because he trusts and takes refuge in You [with hope and confident expectation]. Isaiah 26:3 AMP

I realized as soon as I started to think about all the experiences I had with God, how He had helped me, met me in my despair, talked to me, chased after me, loved me, taught me…………..that when I went over these things and pondered them deeply, something came over me. A release from fear, worry, anxiety. A peace came that also brought the JOY of the Lord which was my strength. Trust began to build as I started to become more and more aware of Who God was instead of always asking to help me.

Scriptures I knew in my head, manifested into REAL situations and I started to look at them with a whole new awareness. I found that the Word of God really could help me in situations that I had always handled myself the best way I knew how. This scripture proved itself true. 

8 Finally, believers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable and worthy of respect, whatever is right and confirmed by God’s word, whatever is pure and wholesome, whatever is lovely and brings peace, whatever is admirable and of good repute; if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think continually on these things [center your mind on them, and implant them in your heart]. 9The things which you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things [in daily life], and the God [who is the source] of peace and well-being will be with you. Philippians 4

So if I managed my thoughts and pondering on focus, I could control my feelings? If I kept my eyes on Jesus, I would not sink into the sea of dark despair? So you mean I could Stand and fight for my marriage, but not in the crazy, chaotic, painful way I had been? 

After YEARS of living in total chaos and discovering peace, everything changed for me. But I also discovered something about this place of peace. I could lose it as fast as I found it. I could enter that peaceful place and as soon as my mind wandered away from the Lord out of HABIT and onto some of the many things I loved to think about, my peace would quickly turn to fear, anger, resentments, worry, or worse………..unbelief! 

As soon as I got a bad report and saw what I feared the most being played out and I looked down, I sunk…….and I sunk FAST and DEEP. Sometimes it was so deep, that I would even question my faith and belief in God. 

I started to wake up each day with a new hope. How was this day going to go? I had a choice! My circumstances had NOT changed for the better. In fact, they had taken a huge turn for the worse. But I was changed for the better. I had learned that I didn’t have to live in the fear, torment, chaos of my husband’s choices and actions. That I could LIVE trusting God and that trust would shelter me with perfect peace. It didn’t mean I was giving up, losing hope, or mean that I had stopped fighting for my marriage and spouse. It meant I was fighting a spiritual battle the right way. Where before I had been fighting in the flesh, exhausting my flesh. 

Again, I want to remind you that the reason I had not come to this place earlier was that I was not bothered enough to WANT the peace that comes with trusting God. That only came after I failed over and over and was getting tired of being tired. Getting tired of having my efforts shattered and my heartbroken over and over. I came to the realization through failing over and over that I was not the right person to fix this mess and I could not trust in myself and my ways any longer. For further reading on this very subject, where you are not ready yet to give up on yourself because you still think YOU can change them……..read Blindsided 

Standing with you,
Sheila Hollinger

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(~Marriage Revealed Ministries Inc. is committed to helping bring healing and restoration to couples who are struggling in their marriage. We do this through the revelation of Who God is and His heart and design for marriage which never intends abuse in any form. If you suspect abuse in your relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit them online at thehotline.org~