The hard heart says: “I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore.”
“I have not been happy for a very long time. It’s my time to be happy.”
“We never should have married.”
“This new person is my soul mate. The love of my life. God sent them to me.”
“God has given me permission to divorce you.”
“I have repented. And God is ok with this. He wants me to be happy.”
Have you heard these words? You are not alone, just about EVERY Stander has heard one or more of them. How is that possible? How can we all have heard these very same things? The real question is HOW can our spouses all be feeling, believing the same exact things?
It’s simple, devastating, but simple. These feelings, beliefs, and reactions are ALL symptoms of the HARD HEART.
What hard heart are we talking about?
Jesus says, “It was because of your hardness of heart (sklérokardia) that Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but it was not this way from the beginning.” Matthew 19:8 Berean Study Bible
The hard heart is WHAT happens when a person has made a choice, a decision to turn away from God, spouse, family, responsibility. It’s the point where the Holy Spirit leaves and Satan enters. Why it happens is discussed in our “Why is this happening” section, as well as many articles in the “understanding the lost” category of our website.
First, let’s define the word Jesus talks about in:
hardness: sklérokardia – hardness of heart because of a lack of moisture (lubricant); an obstinate, hard heart which lacks the oil of the Holy Spirit and hence implies rebellion – i.e someone refusing to be receptive (obedient) to God’s inworking of faith. (Strongs Concordance)
We understand from the definition Strongs Concordance gives us that a heart goes hard because the presence of the Holy Spirit is an oil that keeps the heart moist. When He withdraws Himself from the heart, the moisture leaves and therefore the heart hardens.
What if your spouse was an unbeliever? How could they have the Holy Spirit? Could it be that when an unbelieving spouse marries a believing spouse that part of the sanctification which takes place ensures the children will be clean as talked about in 1 Corinthians and Malachi?
“That man who is an unbeliever is sanctified by the wife who believes, and that woman who is not a believer is sanctified by the husband who believes, otherwise their children are defiled, but now they are pure.” 1 Corinthians 7:14 Aramaic Bible in Plain English
Has not the LORD made them one, having a portion of the Spirit? And why one? Because He seeks godly offspring. Malachi 2:15 Berean Study Bible
It was a ritual when someone was sanctified, to anoint them with oil to be set apart and made holy!
A person that chooses to rebel, to walk away from their marriage in their heart, is choosing first to go against faith, against God, and the vows they took. They are choosing to harden in heart against the very thing that reflects and mirrors God so perfectly; marriage, faithfulness, and being one. It’s a heart issue with God above all else. This is why praying for them to return back to the spouse is only addressing half the issue and not the main issue.
I will remove their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh~Ezekiel 11:19
If you look at the deeper meaning, the primitive root of “to commit adultery” it figuratively means, to apostatize –and Wikipedia says: Apostasy in Christianity is the rejection of Christianity by someone who formerly was a Christian. The term apostasy comes from the Greek word apostasia (“ἀποστασία”) meaning defection, departure, revolt, or rebellion. It has been described as “a willful falling away from, or rebellion against, Christianity.
This lines up in agreement with the definition of hardness of heart: sklérokardia, someone refusing to be receptive (obedient) to God’s inworking of faith.
WHY do they make the decision to turn away from God?
While they only think they are turning away from their spouse, the marriage, responsibility, they are in fact, turning away from God and His sanctification of marriage. If they are a believer, they may believe the lie that this is the will of God for them. How? This is a very complicated question and one that all of us desire to know the answer to, spouses included. While the reasons are deep, complex, and confusing, they are NOT IMPOSSIBLE! Most often it’s due to a spiritual, identity, maturity crisis. Sometimes it comes about because of unhealed childhood wounds, or trauma. Sometimes it’s an addiction. What we do know is if there is adultery, it’s not the cause but the path chosen.
When the crisis is over, many regret it and want to make amends, even if they divorce. IF the Stander is willing to wait, Stand in the gap and pray for the lost spouse’s healing and restoration to the Father, marriage restoration CAN happen!
Are they in satan’s hands?
For some have already turned aside to follow Satan. 1 Timothy 5:15 says that yes, people do turn and follow him.
Paul says that to save a man he will hand them over to satan!
And you shall deliver this one to Satan for the destruction of his body, that he may live in The Spirit in the day of Our Lord Yeshua The Messiah. 1 Corinthians 5:5 Aramaic Bible in Plain English.
And what about the snare of the strange/estranged woman? Proverbs talks about the snare of the adulterous woman and how it leads to perishing.
Because the lips of an estranged woman are dripping honey and her words are softer than oil. But their end is of bitter wormwood, for they are sharper than a double-edged sword And her legs marry to death; her walk causes men to recline in Sheol. And she treads not in the way of life, for her paths lead them astray and they are unknown. Proverbs 5: 3-6 Aramaic Bible in Plain English
What does a hard heart act like when they self banish themselves from God and turn to satan?
So this I say, and solemnly affirm together with the Lord [as in His presence], that you must no longer live as the [unbelieving] Gentiles live, in the futility of their minds [and in the foolishness and emptiness of their souls], 18 for their [moral] understanding is darkened and their reasoning is clouded; [they are] alienated and self-banished from the life of God [with no share in it; this is] because of the [willful] ignorance and spiritual blindness that is [deep-seated] within them, because of the hardness and insensitivity of their heart. 19 And they, [the ungodly in their spiritual apathy], having become callous and unfeeling, have given themselves over [as prey] to unbridled sensuality, eagerly craving the practice of every kind of impurity [that their desires may demand]. Ephesians 4:17 AMP
For although they knew God, they neither glorified Him as God nor gave thanks to Him, but they became futile in their thinking and darkened in their foolish hearts. Romans 1:21 NIV
This is why we Stand
The world and the church have left spiritual adultery out of the equation. They have not understood that two types of adultery are simultaneously happening when a spouse abandons their marriage in any way and turns themselves over to sin.
For a full and complete restoration for our spouses which includes a reconciliation to God. We want them to call out to God in sorrow, repent and invite the Holy Spirit back into their hearts so the heart will no longer be hard and their understanding will no longer be darkened. So they will be able to see God’s truth and not be callous and unfeeling. So they will have the strength, through God to stand up and fight against the snares, and no longer be prey to the enemy.
We are not crazy, desperate, pathetic Christians who can’t seem to move on and let go. We are a people that have heard God’s heart crying out for His lost child, who is OUR SPOUSE, and have answered His call “Will you stand for them?”
For further in-depth study, we have an ebook on this subject called The Volatile Heart
We have many videos on our YouTube channel in the playlist called “Understanding the lost spouse.” that further explain the Hard heart.
Standing with you,
Sheila Hollinger
