The Heart of the New Stander

Ask a new Stander to explain their reason for standing, and they will say, “For God to restore our marriage.” Ask someone who has been Standing for a while, and they will smile and say, “How long  do you have?” The true heart and understanding of standing can’t be explained in one sentence and varies with the maturity of the Stander. We usually all start with the same desire, “For God to restore our marriage”. However, if we stand our ground and allow the Holy Spirit to teach us God’s will and purpose for us, we all gradually come to a fuller understanding of what standing truly is. I will admit that I’m 10 years in and still gaining new insight.

The advice given by seasoned Standers is always the same: “Let go and entrust them to God; Fix your eyes on God and not on your spouse; Work on YOU and your relationship with God.” However, a new Stander who is in the first few months of devastation doesn’t want to hear any of that. They don’t care about anything except God fixing and restoring their marriage, as painless and quick as possible. They are often interested in how to use God to get their spouse to change, but not so interested in getting to know Him personally. They will read the Word to find scriptures about their situation which can become part of their “arsenal” against the injustice being done to them. They may even be searching for scriptures to show their spouse that God is against what they are doing.

In the early days, new Standers will also be searching for answers. Anything that will help them to make sense of why seemingly, overnight, their whole world was turned upside down.

As time progresses and the Holy Spirit begins to convict them, Standers may become aware of their own issues that contributed to the breakdown of their marriage. This recognition brings about repentance and they start the process of seeking God to change them, but often the underlying reason remains as before, “For God to restore our marriage.”

Husbands may realize how they were not attentive and loving, and a wife may see how she was disrespectful and controlling. The advice they first heard, “work on YOU” makes more sense now. They may reason at this stage, “Ah-ha! For God to restore my marriage, I need to change because they left because of ME!”  

They pray, fast, watch sermons and read the Word. They learn to praise and worship and start to attend church more faithfully. They learn the art of zipping their lips and what it means to love unconditionally. Yet, nothing changes. Their spouse has not come home, despite their “changes.”  They wonder what they are doing wrong, as they seem to be checking all the boxes in their spiritual walk with God.  

Or, perhaps, everything changes; and the spouse returns home and thanksgiving is given because “God restored our marriage.”

The new Stander relaxes. They become obsessed with every move the spouse makes and will be intently focused on rebuilding what was broken. Old behaviors that were put away, for the sake of restoration, resurface. Control and manipulation may be accompanied with suspicion and fear. Instead of prayer and trusting God, the new Stander may be so afraid of losing their spouse, they are driven through fear to keep a tight rein on every situation. They may demand the spouse to make them happy, expecting them to be fully transparent and demand that if they want this to work they must win back their trust. After all, it was the returned spouse that messed up and they should be the one to fix it by giving the Stander what they need. 

  Do not put your trust in princes, in human beings, who cannot save. (NIV, Psalm 146:3)

When an UNREPENTANT spouse returns with the same issues they had when they left, they may not be able to cope with the pressures of a Stander who is operating in the flesh and under fear. They can’t deal with their own shame, guilt, pain, and confusion; and this newly added responsibility to fix and heal their spouse and marriage will be too much for them to bear. Especially, since they may have no clue why they left in the first place. When they feel like leaving again, the guilt of that will also be heavy for them to bear. They may turn to deflection whereby they blame the standing spouse saying, “you never changed”, as an attempt to ease their guilt and give them the excuse to leave again.

If there was another person involved, they may reach out to them and try to use them as an escape by mending that relationship. Many returned spouses in this situation may start a new affair or go back to the original. This situation known as “false starts” are real and are necessary, as part of the process of growth and maturity for both the Stander and the lost spouse.

The first time of Standing was done for one reason, “for God to restore our marriage”.  False starts are a wake-up call, a true eye-opening revelation to the Stander. They realize that their spouse coming home didn’t fix anything. They wonder, “What is missing?” or “ What did I do wrong?”

The Stander will then turn back to God and realize, with shock, that they had put God away after their spouse came home. It is a very humbling experience for them to realize that they were selfishly using God to get what they wanted.

With this revelation comes other heart revelations about our Heavenly Father. Even though they were using God, He was still loving, patient, faithful, and loyal to them. He never left them, and He comforted them in their heartache. The new Stander will start to gain a new perspective and understanding and suddenly begin to see God, the one that they only needed to fix their marriage, now transforming into a Loving Father who desires a close relationship with them.

This is the beginning of a new Stand for the Stander, one that understands and embraces the advice seasoned Standers have discovered. “To let go and entrust your spouse to God, fix your eyes on God, and work on your relationship with God.” This now makes so much sense and the Stander now wants a deeper relationship with God after experiencing Him for the first time as a Good Father.

   But seek first His kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. (NIV, Matthew 6:33)

   For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. (NIV, Jeremiah 29:11-13)

Standing with you,
Sheila Hollinger