The Testing is a Time of REVELATION!

Tested doesn’t even begin to describe it. More like stretched to the breaking point, put through the fire, dismantled, stripped down.

The testing is a time of REVELATION! This is really important for you to understand. You will come face to face with just how prideful you are. How unreasonable, sensitive, selfish YOU are. For some, their arrogance, self-righteousness gets revealed. I never realized I had such a deep hatred for men until the storm came. All those years of mistrust and hurt had manifested into absolute disgust towards men that I never realized I carried until the storm knocked out the facade. I also discovered severe shame, roots of unworthiness, and rejection was still very much present.

And it’s not pretty. I personally never had anything to that degree, for that long exposed myself TO myself. Like I was watching myself be dissected on the table and hated what I was seeing. It was painful to see how many things about myself needed to change. While I was devastated, God was EXCITED! He finally had me in a place where I no longer wanted to ignore things about myself that needed changing. See, I was accused of things by my spouse that were true. Things that I would never have taken seriously had he said it while still wanting to be married to me. BUT when he said it, backed with the “I no longer love or want to be married to you.” WELL, that was a whole different reason for me to really have to face things about myself that needed to change. While I don’t agree that we should be driven to change solely for a person to love us again, I do believe that God will use any and all opportunity that comes His way to get us to change into a healthy character.

I came to God with the intent of  “Change me so I can win my spouse back.” And God said, “Sure, I will change you but not for that reason. I will heal you, deliver you, free you from things that are not christlike and transform you more into MY image, so you glorify ME.”

And so the work began.

The hard work of seeing myself without blaming my spouse for what was coming out of me. I HATED being lied to. Boy did that get my pride totally riled up. No way was he ever going to lie and I was going to let him think he duped me. It was PRIDE. Did you know the first night that God would NOT let me expose the lie, I was ready to pack my bags and leave GOD! That is how badly I wanted to let my husband know that I KNEW he was lying. I was SO angry at God because God asked me to be still and let Him handle it. But my pride was having no part in that. I threw the biggest temper with God. But in the end He won. I didn’t confront, but I won’t lie. I had to LOCK myself in my room all day to stop myself from confronting my husband. That was my battle. My fight with God about what my spouse did, that I was being told to suffer through because I was not allowed to bring the lie to the light. God had a good reason. HE wanted to use that lie to turn up the heat and make my spouse feel the pressure of what a secret would do to his inner being. The guilt, the shame, condemnation. That lie was heaping hot coal on his head, and those coals made a lasting impression. How dare I try to rob God of a GREAT opportunity to help my husband stop lying? But my pride would not care about that, all it cared about was the feeling it had of being made a fool.

It’s not easy when we feel that we are letting ourselves be used, walked on, lied to. When we have to zip our lips and not confront, defend, fight back. Nothing about that is normal or the way most of us were taught. I know that there are some that never stand up for themselves and have learned to sit and be quiet and absorb all the things that were placed on them. I was once that person too. Which TURNED me into the controller, manipulator. I went from ONE extreme to another.

Years of sitting there being lectured by an emotionally abusive father, who seemed to have one goal for me, to make me believe the opposite of what God felt about me. I will leave it at that. When I left my home, I turned into a new person that would never let another person get that much power over me again. But what I did was also include God into that category. I took charge of my life and took it to the extreme. It was self-protection.

The storm shook all those walls down. Showed me who I had become. While I was very discouraged and upset over what I was seeing for the first time about myself, without having the luxury of blaming my husband for it, as I said……..God was EXCITED. It’s funny, even in the midst of my pain and agony of coming face to face with myself, I could FEEL God’s excitement deep within. And it gave me something. Hope. That little bit of hope knowing that God was excited to be able to work with me, showed me that while I was a real mess, a real piece of work…………God had a GOOD plan for me.

I clung to this scripture: 

 For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.  Jeremiah 29:11 AMPC

This was the beginning of me challenging the lie that everyone was out to destroy me. I had to believe that God didn’t have that motive or intent. That His plans were for GOOD, not for harm. Even when I felt harmed. Yes, God was intent on harming my pride, my rebellion, my selfish ways. That is the truth. Many times we get upset with God and think He doesn’t love us because He is putting us through the refiner’s fire and we take it very personally. But God knows that pride, selfishness, rebellion, and all those other things are going to turn us satan-like, not Christ-like!

If you are struggling deeply, it’s part of the normal process of standing. He is making us disciples and for some, I know and fully understand. When you signed up for marriage restoration, discipleship was NOT something you signed up for……….but it’s what you got! God won’t waste a single opportunity to purge and purify you. And what better way than to use your situation, when you come to use Him to clean it up?

Embrace the storm with this attitude and posture. ”God I accept this painful place that I am in. Create in me the eyes to see what I need to see, the heart’s desire I need to want to change for the RIGHT reasons. The ability to endure with thanksgiving and praise and the JOY of the Lord as my strength to withstand the temptation to throw in the towel. In Jesus name, Amen”

Standing with you,
Sheila Hollinger