Starting to write out these words the thought of “I don’t know where to start” or “I don’t know what to say” are on the tip of my fingers. And then, Psalm 46:10 comes to mind.

 “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10 

“Be Still and Know I am God” and immediately I am taken back to where my stand started. I was sitting on the floor wondering the same thing almost 5 years ago…actually 4 years and 4 months almost to the day.  

Except now I am sitting on a different floor in a different house with 4 years and 4 months of breakthroughs, heartbreak, and more “bombs” than I ever could have imagined. When I told God I wouldn’t give up, I didn’t fully understand what I was saying yes to. I knew God brought me the verse Psalm 46:10 in a bible I hadn’t opened in almost 5 years. At that moment, God spoke audibly in my life and would continue to speak to me.  

“What did I say yes to?” 

I told God “Yes I wouldn’t give up on my marriage…I would stand and do things His way.”  When I look back now and remember all the moments, I thought I was doing things the right way…it was God bringing me back to Him. It was Him telling me to be still and know that He is God…and over the first couple years, I questioned if that verse was really God promising me to restore my marriage.  

I can say that while I don’t fully grasp why or how God will bring my husband home…I just know and believe it’s the verse that holds my promise. It’s the very thing that God has reminded me over and over that He is God of my life and in the process, God has returned me back to Him.  

I wish it would have only taken that one moment but that wasn’t God’s plan. In fact, to some this journey will probably cause them to ask, “Why did she have to endure so much pain and loss in the process?” I also know that sharing this may cause some standers to have a fear of what’s to come. Because of that fact, I want to encourage you to not walk away…do not let my disappointments…my hurt…my “bombs” as I call them to walk away. In fact, I pray with all that I have that this will encourage you to go into battle more prepared and with all the prayers you can find in the bible because this journey of standing is not for the weak of heart.  

But God…He has you fully covered.  Psalm 91:4 promises you exactly that. 

He will cover you with His feathers,    and under His wings you will find refuge;    His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. Psalm 91:4 (NIV

 

My “Bombs” include an affair…a divorce…the affair being exposed and a “marriage” to her.  Each one of these bombs have literally forced me to run to God…with all my tears…all my fears…all of me just being stripped away. I would do you an injustice if I didn’t tell you I struggled and tried to control all of these things. I opened my mouth too much…I did things that tried to stop everything. But each time I would…I could hear God say “Aren’t you tired yet Nikki…when are you going to trust me?  I am the only one to bring you through this and My promises are ones to hold on to.”  

 

That was a total of 3 years of bombs and me fighting and wrestling until I just surrendered. I collapsed and said “I can’t do this anymore and I want to change Lord. Change me first God.”  And you know what happened…He took those very words and grew something that I never thought could grow. He grew a different person inside and out of me.  

I took all the steps I was supposed to. And all the while God slowly started adding more and more into my life. He brought people into my life that I would need to grow. There were people that were there in the beginning that I pushed away because they didn’t have the answers my flesh wanted to hear…they came back. My prayer life grew beyond words can ever express. He took this person that was hurt, damaged and so jaded and healed me.  

 

The biggest part was me forgiving my husband and releasing him of all things. As much as I wanted him to come home…there was a huge reason.God was protecting him I truly believe from my unforgiveness. It wasn’t time and as of today…it’s still not time.  

 

Will my time come? Yes, I truly believe that my husband will come back to God…there is a time where he will be broken and have nothing left but God.  

Will she leave our lives? Yes, I truly believe that God has a plan for her life and it doesn’t include my husband.  

Will my boys finally see what prayer and faith can do? Yes because 4 years and 4 months ago, I said yes and that’s all God wanted.  

Will my family be restored? Yes. I believe there are small parts of restoration already started.  

Do I have physical evidence? No but my belief and trust in God is brought to mind every single day.  

In my heart, I have felt a stirring to share my testimony. I truly believe