It doesn’t matter how strong you are or whether or not you fully know your self-worth, once betrayal strikes, your identity will become tested, and you may question everything about yourself. The foundation you had crumbles, strength leaves and all you can do is fall. You wish it was all a nightmare. You question “was it all lie?” And you wonder, ‘Will I ever be whole again’? ‘Will I ever feel worthy again?’ You go over lists and lists of things to change or do differently. You drive yourself crazy trying to figure it all out. 

You may have never battled self-esteem issues before, but in these moments you will. “Am I pretty enough?” The body that you have always been comfortable in is no longer comfortable. Am I too fat? Too skinny? Too fit? Not fit enough? Too frumpy? Too old? And it goes on and on and on… The things that once brought happiness, the things that made you feel comfortable, the things that brought a smile to your face even those things you will question. You start to think you’re not interesting enough. Maybe you even think you should join a club or sport or group. Anything to be a different person. A person that doesn’t get betrayed.  Everything changes and everything becomes scary. You feel as though you don’t have much to offer. 

The soul-wrenching pain becomes unbearable and inescapable. All you can do is sob your sobs and wait for the rushing pain to subside for a moment.

I pray during those times. As my voice screams out with pain and I sob from the depths of my gut, my heart is praying. Praying for release, for this moment to pass. I pray to stand up again and get off the floor. I pray to put one foot in front of the other. I pray just to function and move through this. And then, when that moment passes, I keep praying and I don’t stop. Because, if I stop praying, I won’t make it. 

Once your world has spun out of control, you wonder will it ever be ok again. Will you really lose the person you have loved for more than half of your life? The person you have stood by through so much. And you almost pray for anger. Because if you can be angry then maybe it will be easier. If you’re angry then you don’t feel so much hurt, right? I don’t know, I never get to the anger. The hurt is too overwhelming. 

In those first days, divorce seemed like the only answer. How can you possibly get over this or through this? No marriage can survive this kind of betrayal. You just want to stop hurting and you think divorce will put an end to the hurt. 

And then thoughts start coming that maybe you shouldn’t divorce, that you should try and save your marriage. With that comes shame, what kind of woman would let a man do this to her and then stay? I must not think very highly of myself. Just asking to be hurt again. So, I push the thought away. But, I also don’t know how to call it quits. So, I wait and would welcome some feeling besides the hurt. I feel the hole this has left and the loss of my husband. Desperately wanting to be whole again.

That is a journal entry from the beginning of my stand. That has been a few years ago and I have learned since that entry my worth is not found in my husband. I am whole because Jesus made me whole, not my spouse. 

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. Psalm 139:13-14

I was a woman who didn’t know who I was and Whose I am. I still find myself on the floor at times, I am not immune to the pain of this even after all the years of growth. But I do grieve differently. I know truth now; my foundation is no longer on sand but on the solid rock of Jesus. I am a daughter of the King of kings and His kingdom is overflowing with abundance. His kingdom has never lost a battle and He won’t lose now. 

 Know that the Lord, He is God! It is He who made us, and we are His; we are His people, and the sheep of His pasture. Psalm 100:3

You’re going to hurt, to grieve, you’re going to falter and shake at times. This will not be easy, but the journey is just as amazing as the promise. You will get up, you will learn a different you, one that is far stronger than before because of who you realize you belong too. Pray and don’t stop. There may not be words, that it is ok, Holy Spirit will pray on your behalf. Learn who our Heavenly Father is. How much He loves you. That He says you are His special possession, a masterpiece. You are a sweet smell to Him. He has bottled your tears. He knows everything about you and loves you with an everlasting faithful love.

Now if you will obey me and keep my covenant, you will be my own special treasure from among all the peoples on earth; for all the earth belongs to me. Exodus 19:5 NLT

I pray that as you walk this you know how deep and wide and high, He loves you. That you would be rooted and grounded in His love. And that nothing can separate you from the love of the Father. 

Praying for you,
Brandi Roark