While outward appearance seems to point to happiness, fun, pleasure…..What is your spouse really looking for?

 

Emotional stability
Peace
Acceptance
Security
Identity
Adoption
Emotional and spiritual maturity!

Which translates to a lost person as INNER PEACE! They want to be content, for the deep longings, the discontent and the ache to go away. Many of them see someone else displaying that and they become envious and misled. Believing that it’s the perfect relationship, job, the new home, the better lifestyle that is bringing them what they so desire.

We can’t underestimate how God created man with a blueprint to ENSURE that they will need something more than this world offers. Living a lukewarm, stagnant, or even religious life, will leave them empty and seeking. When they seek in the wrong places, they come up with the false solutions which lead to anger at God. The world understands this and calls it a midlife crisis.  The place where a person will go through several stages and several years to “grow” in emotional and spiritual maturity as they revisit places in their past that either stayed stuck in infancy or were severely broken and damaged.

Their empty, needy “God hole,” the place of deep longing for love, for identity, purpose, and acceptance is crying out! Only they do not understand where the cries are coming from. They just know one thing. They are discontent, unhappy, and NEED SOMETHING to shut that cry up. They believe the lie that their needs have to be met by a person, the perfect person that is going to make them happy and finally, content.

For some of our lost spouses, the need comes from profound neglect they had in their childhood. A man who was rejected by his mother, unloved and never nurtured is desperately seeking healing for that place in his soul that was broken. The woman who never had a loving daddy, never getting the approval that she is good enough or worthy to be loved just as they are, is extremely vulnerable and insecure!

As they mature, the cry in their broken soul becomes so loud it can’t be ignored. The soul is broken, crying to be fixed. We are meant to turn to God for this healing, to let the love of Jesus heal and fix and bring a peace and content to our hurting hearts.

When that doesn’t happen, when a person doesn’t seek God, the enemy is right there to ‘fix it.” He knows exactly what your spouse needs and he brings it through another desperately lost and broken soul – a person that has also chosen to seek people to heal and fulfill their hearts instead of turning to God.

At first, the connection is magnetic. ELECTRIFIED. It feels like this person was created just for them. They may think, “God sent this person to me to save me.” Or “This is my soul mate. The very thing I’ve needed my whole life.” The pull to this is so strong they are willing to allow their heart to harden against their spouse and relinquish responsibility. Some walk away completely, even turning away from their own children.

 Why is this so powerful?

To gain a full understanding of this, you must understand the flattering tongue and snare of the adulterous spirit (woman) talked about in Proverbs chapters 5, 6, 7, 9 

As the spouse turns and fully commits to this other person, they feel as though they have finally found the healing and help their lost soul has desired. They may feel elated, happy, and believe they will NEVER go back to the marriage that they believe destroyed them.

They have not realized it was never the marriage that was the problem, but childhood issues. They have not realized it was never a spouse problem, but a God problem. As time goes on, that new relationship is going to bring some help to your spouse. That new person is going to help them realize that people won’t stop the cry coming from their soul. They may turn to God and start going to church. Or they may turn to substances and even other people over and over again until they become exhausted in the process.

This is why we must understand that this is not about marriage.

It’s about a person that is lost and needs to come to know Jesus as their Lord and Savior, even IF your spouse was saved and went to church but still walked away. I was a lost person. I did seek Jesus but refused to fully surrender and submit because of deep trauma and rejection issues in my past. I was a severely broken woman who wanted to know God and be healed but just could not get there on my own. I wasn’t willing to go all in.

We have to understand, this kind of revelation and understanding; this kind of healing doesn’t happen in a month, or even a year. It can take YEARS for a person to exhaust all their efforts and wake up to the knowledge that God is the only one that can fix their hurting and broken soul.

As a Stander, if all you see and want is YOUR pain, YOUR hurt, YOUR life to go back to normal, then you must open your eyes to this understanding. It’s NOT about you when it comes to this. God wants you to pray for your spouse’s hurting soul: to pray for them to find no comfort from counterfeits through people or substances; to pray for them to see the light and love of Jesus; to deeply travail for them in intercession and have faith that your prayers are working in the deep darkness of their hearts chinking away at their lost souls. You are NOT going to see the fruit of this right away, but our prayers, when lined up with the heart and will of God, WILL BRING FRUIT! We just can’t expect the fruit the way we want. The fruit that comes is awareness and light coming to their souls. They may fight it and rebel against it. Our prayers are tackling pride and rebellion!

A lot of them have become so good at hiding what is going on in their souls. They have learned how to put on a happy face, especially around you because their pride can’t bear to admit you were RIGHT. So, you will see a happy life. But that is impossible. Only true ‘happiness” is a combination of peace, joy, hope that comes from securing eternal salvation from our Lord Jesus! Without Him, a soul is perishing and gets more and more troubled.

Standing is so much more than marriage restoration. It’s about soul health, spiritual health, and a real authentic and intimate relationship with God……………for both your spouse AND YOU! Many Standers are just as wounded and lost as their spouse, maybe even MORE, and God is trying to get you to seek HIM as your healer and Savior. Yet you believe with all your heart, that if your spouse would just come home, that all your problems would be gone. God created marriage to MIRROR Him, not replace Him. God is more than enough to fill every need you have.

I pray these words touched your understanding and brought some clarity as to what the true issues are.

Remember, “It’s NOT about me!”

Standing with you,
Sheila Hollinger