Has your spouse expressed they are afraid it won’t work if they come home? They love you, but they feel you are better off without them?
The intense fear of failing, hurting, and disappointing you, can be the factor that keeps your spouse in bondage to their sins.
There are some spouses that want to come home, they want to clean up the mess they created. They want to repair their relationships with their children, their inlaws, friends, and family. They want you to be able to trust them again.
But how can they if they don’t even trust themselves?
Some of them are so guilt-ridden with the torment (thanks to demons) they can’t believe they did what they did and the fear that whatever it was that made them do it, will make them do it again.
This fear is no joke. The fear of failing, hurting you, the kids, and having to face themselves again after failing can be SO intense and real for them, they would rather not put themselves into that situation. So they stay trapped. They stay in the place they know they should not be in. They live in the guilt, the shame, the torment. They are in prison because they cannot forgive themselves, or dare to have faith that God is bigger than the mistakes they seem to keep making.
The continual intimidation of the enemy can play like a recording in their minds. “You will never be able to overcome this and win back their trust. What a horrible person you are for what you did? You don’t deserve their love and forgiveness. You are just going to hurt them again. You can’t go back, if you love them, you have to protect them from what you are going to do.”
They may handle that with anger. So many times the hurt that comes with“Why can’t this be easier? Why does this have to be so hard?” creates anger at God. “Why isn’t He helping me?”These are all lies that fear creates as they feel abandoned and rejected by God because they can’t stop the torment that is attacking their minds.
This is why YOUR intercession is so important. But your prayers need to be targeting the right thing. You can’t fight and resist the enemy for them. THEY have to build up faith, courage, confidence, and bravery to do this on their own. THAT is where you target your prayers. To their inner man to rise up in the confidence that Jesus is there to help, but first, they must give their lives to Him.
So submit to [the authority of] God. Resist the devil [stand firm against him] and he will flee from you. James 4:7 AMP
To overcome the lies, fears, and torture, they have to find the courage to press back. They have to find the will to try and believe in something greater than their ability to fail and disappoint people. This is not easy for some, especially those that have a large track record of failing and hurting people. To some spouses, this is an impossible that they can’t bear to face.
“Moreover [Jeremiah], you shall say to them, ‘Thus says the LORD, “Do men fall and not rise up again? Does one turn away [from God] and not repent and return [to Him]? Jeremiah 8:4 AMP
This is why false starts are a necessary ‘evil’ they can teach the spouse that what they did before, trying to come home and repair the marriage without repentance and surrender to the Lord is not going to work for them. They can’t be trusted to do this in their own strength.
But they don’t have to face it alone. They can turn to their Savior. And this is what God wants for them, to approach Him with a strong desire to be set free. Sometimes that strong desire to be let out of the cage can only come though, when they have been locked up for so long they can’t stand it and start to rebel against the captivity.
Say to those with an anxious and panic-stricken heart, “Be strong, fear not! Indeed, your God will come with vengeance [for the ungodly]; The retribution of God will come, But He will save you.” Isaiah 35:4 AMP
That is what God is looking for. The discontent they feel of being trapped in fear. The awakening of rebellion, the GOOD rebellion that says “I don’t want to be in this bondage. I am TIRED of being kept from my family, kept from feeling good about myself all because I am too afraid to try.” THAT is the turning of the heart that God is waiting for. But so is satan.
Both the Holy Spirit and the enemy will send your spouse ‘help’ to persuade them which way to go. What do WE, as Standers see? This back and forth tug of war. They will tell you they love you and are thinking of coming home, and then they ghost you. They may break up with the other person, start spending time with you and then back off and go back to the other person. They may express they want to make it work, someday they know it will, but they can’t commit right now. They may not be able to tell you exactly why as they are full of mixed feelings and emotions.
For some, this daily up and down of feelings and emotions led by their desire to do good, but squashed by their fears of failing become to much and they take a total nosedive which feels more like 20 feet backwards. You may get those divorce papers right when you thought you were making progress!
For the Stander, this can be shattering and you will deal with your very own fears and want to guard your heart against being misled with hope by their instability. I have seen MORE Standers at this point QUIT because they were swept away by the spouses desire to come home, believing in that, but not taking into consideration they were NOT protected by the help that comes when a person is doing it because they turned to God for help.
REPENTANCE and SURRENDER to God is something that can give you hope, NOT a spouse that is trying in their own efforts. When they are still trying to do this on their own, it’s still out of their own strength and desire to be in charge of their life, which in truth, if God is not your Savior, then satan is your master as he leads through your flesh and soul, where God leads you through your spirit. That is the whole point of being REBORN and awakened to Him, which comes through SURRENDER!
Do not rejoice over me [amid my tragedies], O my enemy! Though I fall, I will rise; Though I sit in the darkness [of distress], the LORD is a light for me. Micah 7:8 AMP
I love this scripture. Do you HEAR the heart of Micah here? Standing up to the enemy. Facing the giant that has been blocking their way. Saying NO MORE WILL YOU INTIMIDATE ME! BUT He knows HIs help IS THE LORD! Not his own might, or his own willpower, but the LIGHT OF God is what is going to light the way out of the darkness. This is what your spouse needs to see. The light of God to bring them hope so they no longer feel so alone or afraid.
The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death, a light has dawned. Isaiah 9:2
That is what YOUR prayers need to be centered around for them. Not marriage restoration. But a HEART restoration to their Savior.
Standing with you,
How do we pray for them?
Use these scriptures as direction on what to pray for the soul, mind, heart of your spouse.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not be terrified or dismayed (intimidated), for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”Joshua 1:9
Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will surely help you; I will uphold you with My right hand of righteousness. Isaiah 41:10
The LORD is my light and my salvation— Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the refuge and fortress of my life— Whom shall I dread? Psalm 27:1