We asked Standers who have been standing for a while, what they could pass on to those just starting. While these are not rules, they are life experiences that just about all Standers have learned! 

Question: Seasoned Standers What wisdom could you pass on to NEW Standers.

1. Common mistakes to avoid. Something you wish you grasped sooner?
2. What lesson was the most valuable to you and you feel a new Stander would benefit knowing?

 ANSWERS:

  1. Find one person to share with. A person that has either been through it or has exact beliefs as you!! No matter how much you want to, don’t share things about your spouse to anyone else!!! Be prepared for people to walk out of your life and disagree with what you’re doing.
  2. My biggest mistake was bible-thumping my spouse and not zipping my lips.
  3. I became good friends with another new stander and we fed each other milk. When I found Sheila’s group, I learned that milk is not what God wants to teach. Through this group I found out what Standing really is. Don’t let other new standers tickle your ears. Find someone who really knows what standing is about, and learn from them. I found out this was NOT about marriage restoration, but SOUL restoration.
  4. If God has asked you to do this, then don’t entertain for even a moment disobeying and quitting, don’t let any doubts snowball out of control. I quit with another Stander because we both allowed the flesh to lead us astray. I hardened my heart to God so I could run. But I missed Him deeply and knew I could not have Him, and be disobedient at the same time. Don’t let rebellion make you run from God.
  5. Don’t chase after them. It will kill your confidence and you will lose value in their eyes and pray.
  6. I wish I had not fought my spouse when he wanted a divorce. I refused everything and made it very hard. But as soon as I asked God what I should do, and He told me to let my spouse go and do as he needed me to do, I did, I signed and there was peace and soon after we were RESTORED. All my spouse needed was for me to respect him and he needed to know that divorce didn’t make him feel better because our marriage was not what was really wrong.
  7. I refused to let my children around the ow, so he divorced me and married her so they could. He told me later that was the ONLY reason he married her so quick. Because he was sick of me always telling him what he could and could not do. So he married her out of spite and anger. I wish now, I had NEVER done that.
  8. Don’t appear desperate, needy, pathetic. Don’t beg or chase them.
  9.  Remember what God has been telling you because His word holds true, no one else’s
  10. I leaned on my kids too much, told them to many things. I hated seeing them around their dad and ow, so  I turned them away from with my words, now I see how bad they hurt because while I told the truth to them, I told it in a way that made me look like a victim and my spouse like the bad guy. Now they have no relationship with him, or me. 
  11. Don’t be your spouse’s Holy Spirit, God doesn’t need your help
  12. I wish I had not clung so tight to material things that put me financially in a hole because I expected this to be over sooner than it was. It’s ok to let go of the car with the big car payment, or the house you can’t afford now. Downsizing for that season is NOT losing.
  13. Stop trying to “make sense” of your circumstances — it’s not possible. Rely wholly upon and focus on the Word of God — Truth, and BELIEVE that Divine Intervention will prevail in His perfect timing. Stop focusing on time; God “owns” time.
  14.  Don’t speak badly about your spouse to family/friends. It hardens their hearts against you being restored.
  15. Zip your lips when you are getting emotional. It’s better to say nothing and pray then say something that will push your spouse away. God can move hearts. We can’t make our spouses see things our way by constantly trying to explain why we are hurt. Or lashing out with harsh words.
  16. Remember that this is your assignment. Not everyone will understand your stand, most will not support you and even try to convince you to move on. Walk closely with God and don’t allow the enemy, through others, to talk you out of your stand. Stand firm!!
  17. Stop looking at their sin and thinking they are getting away with it. Don’t dwell on what they are doing. This will get you every time and you will become angry.
  18. Don’t dwell on circumstances. God is bigger than the circumstances. He called us to love our spouses unconditionally
  19. If your spouse remarries don’t be discouraged you are not alone and God knows your heart. Remember the Lord has everything under control and we need to remember this every single minute of the day!
  20. Do not try to discuss your situation when either one is under the influence of alcohol….. No better way to walk into the enemy’s playground and fuel the fire of regrets.
  21. Stay in the secret place and there God will continue to reveal to you what will give you peace (mysteries of what is really spiritually happening with your covenant mate and how to pray specifically for them) that surpasses understanding. This is the only place where you can clearly hear from God and walk in total trust, love, and freedom from the enemy and fear.
  22. Learn to discern! The voice of fear, the accuser spirit can FEEL so real and have you convinced of a lie. Trust God will reveal truth when you need to know.
  23. Don’t give your spouse any ammunition against you so they feel justified in doing what they are doing.
  24. Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Chose to believe what is said is true, if you can’t trust Him, He can’t make your paths straight.
  25.  Focus all your attention on God and let Him do the rest. Every time you have a thought about your circumstances, pick up your bible and read. Learn to truly seek the Lord with all your heart, mind, and soul.
  26. Keep at the forefront that standing is about standing in the gap, interceding for the salvation of your spouse. Restoration is an added benefit. God didn’t give up on you so don’t give up on your spouse! Keep praying!
  27. Don’t stop praying, never give up. Even when you think restoration is here and they’re home keep doing the things you were doing while they were gone.
  28.  Do not speak negativity into your life. Rejoice when things trip up, you’re on the right path, thank God in advance for what He will do. Time is NOT your enemy, don’t count days.
  29. Do not confront your spouse in anger or emotions, make sure you pray, pray, pray and calm yourself. God may not even want you to confront or. Don’t snoop to catch them in lies.
  30. Remind yourself every single day, this is not about you, so you don’t take it personally. This is about your lost beloved having an issue with God, life, even past wounds, and they rebelled and ran straight into the pit of the enemy. But that pit can deliver and save them. IN GODS TIME
  31. Cry less, worry less, don’t despair! Instead, spend your time productively by preparing the ark! For me, that is setting up and organizing our new home since we just moved recently.
  32. Walk BY Faith and not by sight of your circumstance
  33. Find a mentor who knows what this is really about, read the devotions on the website. Don’t let anyone feed you and mislead into thinking you are promised restoration. Only God can confirm that. 
  34. Stop asking questions. What, why, when. They are not able to give you clear truth as they are in a place of darkness and their answers will only bring hurt and confusion.
  35. Don’t preset a mental time for restoration to happen…. it’s in HIS timing, not ours. Take time to BREATHE, just get through today…… one day at a time…. and keep believing, trusting and praying no matter what you may hear, see, don’t hear, or don’t see….
  36. Integrity in what you say, integrity in what you do, integrity in your heart and mind. Stop defending yourself, they will always come up with some reason why the blame lays on you, whether it’s true or not, zip the lips. God will sort out what is right and what is lies.
  37. Know and believe that He who is in you is greater than he who is working against you. That was what finally set me free not to be fearful of what my beloved was doing. I proclaim this often as I acknowledge that Holy Spirit is in me helping me.
  38.  It’s all about your Father and His love for you. Seek His face and His will above every other.
    Do NOT communicate with there OP unless otherwise stated.
    While seeking your Father’s face, the words He tells you are your confessions. Write them down, don’t let them out of your sight and your mouth. Confess them even when things workout otherwise. That is your reality.
  39. Listen to what the Holy Spirit tells you, and OBEY. No matter if it makes sense or not.
  40. Nobody can help you except GOD. Cling to him. Surround yourself with those who have walked this path. They will uplift you – others who haven’t cannot understand your pain and may say things that will hurt you even more tho they mean well. Look after yourself. Self-preservation is important. Force yourself to do the things you enjoy.
  41. Depression may come, keep a lookout for it and its OK to get help
  42. Wish I’d known: that this will be a marathon and not a sprint. How much my own sin is/was involved in all of this, 
  43. Not recognizing when I was impatient and moving in that instead of being still and waiting.
  44. Listening to my spouse and not asking God if it was the truth. I wasted so many weeks being afraid of something my spouse said that later, didn’t even remember saying it. 
  45. My struggle with time was my biggest downfall. If I would have just relented and not fought God on how long it was taking I would have not struggled so much.