I have been praying for more insight and understanding about lost wives. The revelation came through a phone conversation from the husband, new to Standing for his wife.
NOTE: this may or may not pertain to your situation. This is for those husbands whose wives have unhealed childhood wounds that were never properly healed and formed strongholds of lies around them.
I first want to share that in our DNA, men need RESPECT. Without it, they get lost in their sense of value and worth. For a woman, they need LOVE because their security is tied into it. Without love, a woman can’t feel secure about anything, that includes her value and worth, so she is secure that she is needed and wanted.
So, back to our phone conversation:
This wife is a very loving, forgiving person who has always been quick to forgive and hold no record of wrongs. 1 Corinthians 13:5 Always very loving and kind to everyone. So it took her husband totally by surprise when she brought up accounts of wrongs that happened 15 years ago. And her account of the wrong was, in his eyes SO far from the truth that it amazed him just what she got out of that incident, because it was nothing close to the truth.
As we dug deep into her past, we were blessed by God to get to the heart of the issue. His wife is a cup that that was formed as a child with a crack in her foundation that cannot retain love. No matter how much he tried to love her, others loved her, even God, she is unable to retain it. Which makes her go out of her way to earn love through her actions.
In her childhood, there was a father wound that formed a belief about herself that she is unworthy of being loved. That has made her work extra hard to keep her cup full, but feels defeated as her cup always runs quickly out. Nothing she does is good enough to keep feeling good about herself. She would not blame the person for making her feel that way, she just would try harder as it was “her fault.”
As we prayed, God showed me a backpack full of bricks. Every time she came in contact with any form of rejection and forgave the person, she put a brick of “you are not worthy” into her backpack. Over the years, these accounts of wrong that she let go of against the person, she was not able to let go of against herself. Every time someone hurt her, did something to her, she secretly accounted it against herself as she deserved it because she is not worthy. And a brick, a burden, a check against herself was placed onto her back into her backpack. To understand more about the account of wrongs, read this.
She doesn’t see that it was a lie, a stronghold of wrong beliefs that did this to her. But then another lie slowly crept in, a lie that formed out of being tired. A lie that said, “My husband is the one that makes me feel this way about myself and maybe it’s not my fault”
That backpack of bricks got too heavy for her to carry. It weighed her down so much that she totally snapped and became angry at the reminder that she is “not worthy.” She came to a place where she was not going to accept that lie any longer and fought back. You may have seen your wife start to suffer in a way that appeared as depression, or she may have been trying to ease the weight of her burden through some type of healing. You may have noticed a slight change in her as the weight of the pain was becoming so heavy that it was no longer something she could handle.
Not knowing how to do it anymore, she took that bag of bricks and decided to rebel against the pain and shame by sharing the blame, or deflecting it totally onto you. Using it to bash anyone that ever made her feel so unworthy.
Her husband is the one right now getting the full force of her anger and pain. Out of that bag is every account she had previously forgiven and let go. As she throws those bricks at him, he can see her version of the ‘truth’ and how she took it. Many of them are nothing close to how it really happened or how he intended it.
But that is exactly how unworthy and rejection roots operate
They shield the person from the real truth, they twist and contort the truth before it ever gets to the person so what they hear, see, feel, is not even close to reality. All because rejection and unworthiness roots operate from a deficit place. Where you can never satisfy them. They also operate from a place of theft, where it steals the truth of love, worthiness, value, and having a proper place in this world. No matter how much the person wants to feel accepted, the roots of rejection and unworthiness will never allow that to happen.
The fight against themselves becomes too much. They can’t handle the blame that they are not valuable, worthy, loveable. All their life they have “allowed someone else to tell them this, make them feel this.” And they are done. They are going to blame others as they should have been doing all along. They may even turn that anger towards God. They may have found someone now that worships the ground they walk on, and loves them and makes them feel all the things that you never made them feel. Or they say they are looking to find that person to be what you could never give them.
“It’s ALL your fault.” is the lie.
The truth is, the broken place in their foundation is to blame, and the fact that it never was healed with the help of God. And no matter who they find, where they go, how much they try to rebuild their life and have a do-over, that broken foundation is not going to allow them to get out of the new relationship that their souls are crying out for.
I watched something very similar happen to my husband when he was in the storm. He had a very broken childhood involving rejection and abandonment with his mom. I was very unhappy that God was not willing to use ME to be the one that helped my husband heal, but used other women to teach my husband the lessons so that open wound would heal with His help.
Why can’t God use YOU to help heal your wife?
This whole entire time, your wife has been trying to get you to heal, fix, and help her broken foundation. Through her efforts to earn her worth, your love, and approval, she has tried to heal her own soul. She has tried to find her worth and value, the two things that keep getting leaked out through the break, through people, and not through the proper place. GOD. ONLY God can be the one that heals, restores, repairs the damage done, and seals up the cracks in her foundation. IF you do that, it will only enforce that she doesn’t need God.
God created us to need Him, be dependent upon Him because our eternal resting place depends on this. He didn’t create us to be able to fix ourselves, even though humans have great counterfeit ways, but never close to the REAL thing. HIM!
So what about that new relationship she is in where she tells you she finally found what she was looking for and he is giving her everything you never could? Is that really what God did? Stopped YOU from being the one to fix, heal, restore your wife, only to let another man, one that is not her spouse, not her headship, not her Savior Jesus Christ, do? Did God really allow a man to take His place and do His work? Of course not. What she is telling you is not the truth, even if she really does feel happy and loved because her cup of worth and value got filled. It’s not going to stay that way. History will repeat itself and she will find herself in the same exact place as before where she feels unloved, rejected, unaccepted, and unworthy. Will she finally yield to the truth? Will she finally turn to God for help and open her eyes that she can’t get from a man what her soul desperately is crying out in thirst for?
Through HIM, she is loved, worthy, accepted, and valued. Through HIM her cup will never run dry and she will never thirst. As a husband, your desire to help and rescue your wife will be something you are going to have to learn how to entrust God with. Especially if you feel that another man is doing what you should be doing. Trust Him, God is not going to allow that man to replace Him. He will use that man to open up her eyes and make her aware.
I also want to touch on your own healing. That bag of bricks swung at you has left some scars that you need to have healed. While some of those things are true, that you did hurt your wife in some ways, and it’s woken you up to some things, you can’t keep letting those bricks hit the target and do damage to you. Understanding the bricks, why they are being hurled at you over and over is the best way to combat this along with forgiving, compassion and pouring out God’s agape love toward your broken wife. Let yourself off the hook. You did not break or destroy your wife and the enemy is trying to erect in you a stronghold of lies of belief just like he did with her. Let the truth set you free and guard your heart.
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(~Marriage Revealed Ministries Inc. is committed to helping bring healing and restoration to couples who are struggling in their marriage. We do this through the revelation of Who God is and His heart and design for marriage which never intends abuse in any form. If you suspect abuse in your relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit them online at thehotline.org~