When I had been standing for a long time, I remember this feeling of not being able to do anything “normal”, or if I did, not allowing myself to experience it the way I would, had I not been in a place of suffering. The best way I could describe it was, “stuck”.

When I think back on that time, I realize I had kept myself from so many things, always telling myself, “after this is over, I can do that.” I remember when spring came and I saw a flyer with tomato plants for sale. I had told myself, that this was the year I was going to start a garden, but my first thought was, “maybe next year it will be over and I can start the garden then.” And with that, God started to speak to me.
“Why later? Why not now? What are you afraid of?”

I thought about that long and hard. At first, I thought that I would be too distracted, or too tired emotionally or physically. That was how I was in the beginning – never sleeping, always crying. But at that time, by springtime, I was actually doing a lot better in being stable. I had been able to turn off my ringer at night and go to bed and not fret if my husband was coming home or not, that night. So why could I not plant a garden?

The answer would not come. So I thought, “ok, maybe it is too much”, and then I feared that I would not be able to care for it, so I would just buy one plant and put it into a pot. Again, this feeling of “NO” rose up.

The same feeling that came the week before, when I saw a tablecloth that I really liked and it was something the “me before the storm”, would have bought without hesitation. Sadly, I listened to the “NO, you can’t have that now, not while you are going through this,” voice and walked past it.

“I can’t buy a tablecloth or a tomato plant? Why? What am I afraid of?” So I dug deep. I prayed and asked the Holy Spirit to please reveal just what I was believing and afraid of.

“You are afraid of sending God the wrong message.” And with that answer, I felt it. YES!!! I was afraid of doing anything normal. Anything that would show God that I was starting to be myself again and that I was actually ok and myself; but I was not myself. I was only half living, doing the necessary things and ANYTHING above that, I had removed permission from myself out of fear of what appearing normal would appear to look like to God. Forgetting that God actually sees and knows my heart better than Anyone. You can’t fool Him!

Luke 12:2
There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, and nothing hidden that will not be made known.

Jeremiah 23:24
Can any hide himself in secret places that I shall not see him? saith the LORD. Do not I fill heaven and earth? saith the LORD.

I believed I had a point to prove to God – that I was not willing to live happily ever after, without my husband. I wanted to make it crystal clear, that, as long as my marriage was not restored, I was not going to be happy, so He really should take notice and hurry up. Since my husband lived at home, I was also trying to prove to him that he was keeping ME from being normal. That, as long as he was stuck in sin, I was going to be stuck too.

Stuck in this half place of existence. Stuck in barely functioning. Stuck in this somber mood, where I could not show any form of happiness. God forbid I laughed, or enjoyed our child. I would never want to send God the wrong message, out of fear that He would think I was ok and there was no need to hurry and restore my marriage.

As I sat and talked to God, the truth became clear. God was not waiting, or moving at a speed that was based on how I felt. It was not my behavior, my feelings, or emotions that God was going by. Of course, God cared about me and how I felt, but He could not let my tears, my worry or my fears, be what made Him move quicker than my husband was ready to receive, all to make me feel better. What was going on with my husband was an eternal life and death situation, mine was not. I was safe and secure in my relationship with God. My husband was not. So God was not going to be persuaded by how unhappy I was (ON PURPOSE), to make Him step out faster and risk upsetting my husband’s journey to repentance. I am so glad that God didn’t do that.

Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders You have done, and the plans You have for us—none can compare to You—if I proclaim and declare them, they are more than I can count – Psalm 40:5

At the time, if it was up to me, because I was so selfish, I am sure I would have told God to risk it, or find another way to save him, because I really needed my life to go back to normal and I was tired of being afraid.

God saw my fear as something He needed to free me from, by facing the problem, not by removing the problem. We always just want the problems removed. We never want to actually learn how to deal with them, face them, and TRIUMPH over them. We are creatures that don’t want stress, we don’t like ‘hard’ and we don’t like ‘suffering’. We will always take the easier way. That is why God is so good at picking what is best for us, according to HIS perfect plan, not whether our tears and pain move Him. Thank God He is not moved like we are, by emotions. We would be spoiled brats!

 So it is important to understand that God has our best interest at heart. Always doing what is best for our good, not what is best for our emotions. 

The counsel of the LORD stands forever, the purposes of His heart to all generation – Psalm 33:11

1For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end – Jeremiah 29:1

Standing with you,
Sheila Hollinger

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