When dwelling upon a lost spouse who appears to be getting away with their sinful choices and seems to be enjoying every minute of it without suffering consequences, and we embrace this lie or the many others that can come at us, we can become snared and enslaved to a path of resentfulness.

No one in the bible had more justifiable reason to become bitter and resentful at the wrongs that were being done to him than Job, but look at what he says about it.

For resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple. Job 5:2

While many of us know what resentment feels like, do we actually know what it is and where it comes from?

Resentment or bitterness is a reaction that comes from something you are believing.

They have hurt, offended, and wronged you………..and now you have formed a belief about it–it is that belief that is the cause of bitterness and resentment, but its the HEART that chooses to harbor and hold onto it!

For the godless in heart are full of (cherish, store up) resentment. Even when He punishes them, they refuse to cry out to Him for help. Job 36:13

You may believe they are getting away with it, not suffering consequences because of what you have been told or what you see. Your heart and mind don’t understand, so you believe they must never have cared or loved you. Some Standers become resentful towards God because they believe that because God is taking His good, sweet time, not stopping it or allowing it, that He is ok with it. They may believe He doesn’t care about their suffering and therefore don’t believe God is good, which causes them to feel hurt, unloved, and rejected by God.

Most often, the main source of resentment that comes from standing occurs when a Stander has unresolved issues from humiliation and feelings of being used and being taken advantage of. As well as rejection, jealousy and being told they can’t express their hurt and feelings to the one that is the cause of these emotions.

The very unfair fact that we are told not to move on, and find someone else to ease our loneliness, But they get to? Why do we have to go without, and endure the torment of being alone? This right here is one of the main leading causes of resentment. Because we are letting our feelings and emotions cloud the truth and bigger MORE important truth. They are perishing in their sins. Our heads may know this, but our hearts still resent the truth that they are enjoying someone’s company while we are alone suffering.

(Psalm 73 is the perfect scripture to read and help us understand the truth about those who are practicing wickedness and if God is really letting them get away with it.)

These kinds of resentments can not only form toward the spouse but towards God as He is the one calling you to this.

We can become resentful of how much work we are doing to change ourselves, only to feel it was unappreciated, unrecognized, and didn’t achieve the outcome we desired. “I did all that work, and nothing changed. My spouse still doesn’t forgive or want me.”

Resentment (also called bitterness) is a complex, multilayered emotion that has been described as a mixture of disappointment, disgust, and anger. Other psychologists consider it a mood or as a secondary emotion that can be elicited in the face of insult and/or injury. Inherent in resentment is a perception of unfairness (i.e. from trivial to very serious), and a generalized defense against unfair situations (e.g. relationships or unfavourable circumstances) The English word has become synonymous with anger, spite, and holding a grudge.-Wikipedia

Biblical Definition: Strong’s Concordance 5620. sar: resentful, sullen, implacable (Impossible to soothe, pacify)  Sar comes from the root word 5637. sarar, which means rebellious, stubborn, and backsliding.

The root word sarar was very eye-opening and brutally convicting when I read it because it stopped the finger-pointing and self-pity.

You see, I was looking at my resentfulness as something that was a reaction to what was being done to me. But when I read that resentfulness was a decision, a reaction by choice, that I was making out of being stubborn, rebellious, and sliding away from God……..I saw it for what it really was.  A heart’s desire to harbor and cherish self-pity. And this self-soothing behavior was coming from a belief that I deserved and had every right to feel this way.

This revelation got me to really think about my choices and what was causing me to make them. I discovered that it was true, while I could not control what I was hurt, angry and frustrated about, I could control the lie I was choosing to believe and what was making me desire to embrace the lie. I realized I wanted to feel sorry for myself because I craved the sympathy that I was not getting from anyone else, and this was allowing me to be resentful.

I know I am Resentful, but I don’t want to stop!

I knew I was resentful, I knew how to stop it…….but I didn’t want to. And because I wanted to remain resentful, I saw how this was stubborn rebellion and backsliding on my part.  And I even started to get resentful of this. “Great, another thing that I have to do the work in my heart to fix. Another thing that I have to change about me, while he doesn’t do a thing!” 

Wikipedia (above) said that psychologists consider this a mood, and boy did they get that right. I was in a mood, alright! A mood that was only hurting me, my children, my standing for restoration, and my relationship with God. All because I was choosing to believe not ONE lie but many lies.  Lies that were very strong and hard to resist believing because there just seemed to be so much evidence VISIBLY to support the lie I was embracing.

But where was the balance? Do the lies I was believing reflect Who God is? His character? Does His Word say that sin has no consequences and that a life apart from Him will bring full satisfaction and contentment to your soul?

Maturity has taught me that if we live out of balance and let the lies be our truth, and not let God’s Word, His character be our truth, we are sometimes embracing this lie simply because we want an excuse to speed things up, take control and dish out the consequence.  “Well, since God is allowing this, not changing anything, maybe doesn’t care to fix it, I will have to.”  Or we are hurt and feel like our feelings are not being validated, so we enjoy our pity parties.

So, next time resentments visit you and take you to a place, remember that it was not because of what your spouse did that you got taken there, but because you became stubborn and rebellious and chose to go there yourself willingly. And now, it’s time to find out why! Don’t worry, you don’t have to figure this out alone, the Holy Spirit is more than willing to help you discover the roots of this snare so you can be free!

Standing with you,
Sheila Hollinger

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