Guest Testimony: Anonymous
I didn’t mean to have an emotional affair. Not even sure if that is what you call it. I never did the things that I heard others did in an emotional affair. But anyway, I never intended for the friendship to go that far.
I was in a game, chatting with other people. I made lots of friends and then he came along. He was protective and interested and it touched a place in my heart that I didn’t even realize was empty.
I was happily married. My husband and were in our 17th year of marriage, and since we were childless I had a lot of time on my hands. I loved gaming. It gave me some twisted warped sense of purpose in my life.
I was a backslid, lukewarm Christian and when I started to develop feelings for this man……..I went ICE COLD with God. I had to. No way could I look God in the eye and keep doing what I was doing. Even though I was lying profusely to myself because I had set up boundaries. I would never tell him I loved him, let him say it to me, and we would not have any sexual talk. We never talked on the phone. Only through the computer.
I felt so safe in these boundaries, that I did not care that I was sneaking out of bed at night to secretly meet him in chat. Or that at work I was emailing him a hundred times a day. Or that I skipped making dinner for my husband at night if it meant I had to get off the computer because he was online.
No, my boundaries kept me safe from seeing the sin I was in.
This went on for 6 months and instead of fading away, it built. But that all changed in a matter of days. 17 years into a childless marriage………..and God opened my womb and I was pregnant!
The first few days, I was in a daze. But then something happened. When I went into the game, that I had faithfully been playing and chatting with him in–I had to leave. I can’t describe it. I just could NOT be in that game.
At work, I did email him, but not as much and there was definitely something different about me…….about my heart. It was hardening. And not by anything I had done. If anything I think I would have clung to him more because he was so caring and concerned and protective. And my husband……wasn’t. In fact, my husband started to pull away. Started watching movies at friends houses till late, leaving me home alone for hours. That would have been the perfect reason to cling more to this other man. ……but the desires and needs were gone.
I did not realize it then, but I do now. God hardened my heart. It’s the only thing I could think of. I was in sin, and this baby was an answer to prayer, and when God opened my womb and blessed me with this baby, He also blessed me with a heart that hardened to the sin I was in.
Romans 9:18 Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden.
I know it sounds crazy, especially with so many that pray for God to soften the hard hearts of the lost. But He CAN and does harden hearts to stop sin and accomplish His plans. He hardened my heart because it was time for me to come clean.
And through that hardened heart, I saw the truth. I saw what I had done and the lies that I had believed. I repented to God, and my husband.
Proverbs 21:1 The king’s heart is like a stream of water directed by the LORD; he guides it wherever he pleases.
I have a close relationship with God now. He fills all my unmet needs that my husband won’t….or can’t. But that is ok. God is more than enough! I am forever grateful to God that He set me free from the father of lies, and showed me Who my true Father was!
I share my testimony to give you hope that God can touch anyone, anywhere, with anything. Including hardening their hearts to sin! I pray my story blesses you. There is NOTHING to impossible for our God.
Proverbs 16:9 We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps.
