I Hated My Husband Until God Showed Me The Truth

FROM A GUEST WRITER,

This was the scripture that finally got my attention 2 years after I divorced my husband. For 2 years, well longer than 2 years, ungodliness had been covering my thoughts because I had allowed myself to turn hard, cold, unloving and hate my husband. 

I didn’t even recognize myself. That is how ungodly I had turned. The more sinful I got, the more I turned toward it. There was no stopping it, or my hatred towards my husband. 

I didn’t always hate him. He was my everything and in my eyes he could do no wrong, because he really was a good man, kind, loving, patient. And that even started to bother me. I don’t know exactly when things started to change. But slowly my feelings for him did. I started to find all the little things that didn’t seem to bother me so badly, becoming more and more bothersome. I could feel myself getting shorter and shorter on grace and forgiveness and more and more short fused. Soon, it didn’t take much, and I was getting upset over everything. His snores, his chewing, his laugh, his smell, his other smells, his inconsideration, his lack of knowing exactly what to buy me. I just got annoyed at everything. 

But the thing that annoyed me the most was how I knew I was hurting him, and I could not stop. When I snapped and I saw the hurt I caused, I would be quick to leave the room instead of apologize. My anger would not let me say I was sorry, even though I felt sorry for causing him pain.  

The angrier I was at myself, the angrier at him I got until I hated being home.  I stayed at the gym longer, my spin class longer, out with my friends longer. When I felt guilt, I would come home early, but I hated being there, so I would cause a fight so I could scream “SEE!!! This is why I hate it  here.”

I look back and can remember the feeling. I felt like I was loosing my mind and just wanted to get away from what I really thought was to blame. But the truth was, that thing that was to blame, I packed in my bags and took with me. Only I shoved it so far back in my luggage that it was a long time before it came out. Why? Because I had found so many things out in this fun new life to be able to keep that thing packed away.  Out of sight, out of mind.

 All that extra time at the gym had helped me get more attention from men and I was like a crazy single school girl again. I pushed my husband to the farthest recess of my mind as something I would need to figure out, but not just now. “Not tonight, tonight I was on a date and I would handle it tomorrow.” But tomorrow would always bring more excuses. I was a woman out to have fun and stop the torment that was driving me to keep doing everything I could do to avoid what was really wrong. 

 I didn’t have a clue what was wrong with me. I just knew I was miserable at home, and if I for one min, slowed down with my new life, that thing I had packed in my suitcase was going to spring out and pin me down and make me look and figure out what it was. 

 I tried to keep going. I tried everything new I could try, and then I started to get tired.  Really, really tired. But every time I thought of home, I got so angry. I had so much hatred in me, and I could not figure out why.  So I pressed the divorce and hoped that would be the end of my misery. The end of wondering if home would be the answer to my misery.  

I remember writing out a list of what could be the cause of my misery and I was getting close. I know I had a lot of guilt over just leaving the kids with their dad so I could go ‘find myself.” I knew it sounded good, but I also knew I was not fooling anyone. I knew they could see that I just wanted to be selfish. I thought of my daughter asking me to go to church again and see if God would help me. I didn’t want to think about God anymore. He had not helped me when I was starting to hate Mike. He was quiet and so now I was quiet. 

But yet, I still thought of God a lot. Wondered what He was thinking of this new guy I was dating. Or how I had not called our son on his birthday till really late that night, because I had wanted to avoid the shame and pain I would feel.  I wondered if He hated me for what I was doing and had done.  My husband had told me that God hated divorce and that translated to “God hates you if you do this.” 

In the quiet times, when I was feeling really tired and things that once kept that thing in my luggage quiet, those things weren’t helping anymore. They were not making me ignore like they used to. They were not as exciting as they used to be. I started to get scared. Had I ran out? Was this it for me? Had I found my way to the pig pen like the son that ran away from home?

A few scriptures came to mind how God would help those that were tired. So I googled and this is the first one I found. Not at all what I was looking for, but exactly what I needed that night to start me thinking about what I had packed away in my luggage.  

It was me. 

So I googled some more and went to my dad’s favorite translation-Brenton Septuagint Translation. My dad had sworn by it. So I looked up Malachi 2:16 to see if God hated me for divorcing Mike because of my hatred. And that is when God started to talk to me. 

It was me! 
I was hating how the things that I tried so hard to make work, were not working out. I hated how I was starting to look older in the mirror. I hated how my kids didn’t have time for me anymore. I hated how Mike seemed to be at peace and enjoying life and was totally fine if we didn’t hardly speak to each other. I hated how I purposely didn’t text to see if he would notice and he didn’t. I hated how I felt empty and void inside and didn’t feel like I had a purpose. 

I was fine as long as there was something new to watch on Netflix, or if Mike had a good paycheck and I had extra to spend on little things. But as soon as nothing new came along that would hold my interest, and I blew through the money, I would start to feel really empty again.  I tried to pray, tried to read my bible, but it just seemed so uninteresting and distant. And then I could not take hating myself anymore……….so I turned it onto Mike. And that is when it all went downhill. 

It was like a dam of anger and hatred came out, and all of it was pent up inside of me but all I could do was point at him. Make it all about him not loving me, ignoring me. When I ran out of things to blame, I made things up. When I ran out of things to make up, I would grab stupid things in the past and rewrite them. I didn’t care how crazy it sounded. I was crazy. I knew it. I knew I was out of my mind but I would not tell anyone that. I was hurt, angry and so so mad, and because of that, if I didn’t blame someone I was going to implode. 

That night I got on my knees and asked God to help me. And He did. Step by step, He took me on a journey of unpacking that thing in my luggage that I had tried to avoid. I was hopeful that Mike would at least accept my apology, which took him so time, but he did.  And we have started to really communicate and begin a new relationship now. I am not ready for reconciliation because my heart is still so broken over what I have done. I still have a lot of fear of hurting Mike again and he has that fear to. But I do have hope. Hope that one day, I will be healed and ready for marriage restoration. Mike has expressed that that is an option, but something we need to take slow. 

A few questions, to address. I was after happiness, but never found it. And if I did, it was brief and quickly replaced with the blame, shame, guilt, torment that I lived in daily. But that thing that I was to afraid to unpack and deal with, that is what kept me from going home. I had a lot of things that I had packed up from my childhood and took with me when Mike and I got married. And I guess when I was not looking they had unpacked themselves and where running amuck in my marriage and life.  I blamed Mike, and it was nothing he did. I just took it all out on my one flesh because I could not bear that burden on hatred I was feeling toward myself. Yes, I am ashamed of that. But that is the reason. If your spouse is blaming you, hating you. it’s not you. It’s just that you are the only person they are one flesh with that they can share that burden with. 

I hope that info help you understand. It’s not what it appears. 
Not restored yet, but hopeful………..
GUEST WRITER