Resentment is an emotion that many of our spouses in crisis go through.

Resentment is unresolved bitterness over believing you have been treated unfairly.

Crisis comes about when a person is very aware of loss, regret, and disappointment pertaining to their life. It comes when they suddenly are looking at their life and where it’s gotten them, or they feel they have gone completely against what they had hoped for. When they come face to face with time, and realize they are not who they KNOW they are supposed to be, they will start looking for something, someone to blame. They may not realize they are looking, until “someone” comes along and points the finger at you.

Suddenly, everything they seemed to work so hard for, starts to choke them with the weight of responsibility and they see it as a trap instead of a blessing. And they want OUT.

Now is the time they enter into resentments. Against you, God and anything that is taking away from them, holding them back and preventing them from attaining what they are really looking for. They feel they lost and wasted time. And may regret relationships that steal their life.

A (wo)man that was suppressed and under a spouses control, will build up resentments that just keep mounting and mounting. Because they had to rebel against them, now the kids are suffering, now they are estranged from family they once adored. They believe they were forced to commit adultery to escape an unhappy life the spouse created. Or forced to abandon responsibility. Each time they lose something, it adds to the mountain of resentment.

The money for a divorce, past due bills, child support, lack of money, missing the kids, the kids hurting and angry….not having kids or family for holidays.

Resentment says “It’s  ALL because of what YOU did wrong to them.” Resentment will say “I will never forgive you. I will never trust you, and I will NEVER put myself in harm’s way again.”

While they are in this crisis, and in resentment, it’s almost pointless to argue, so zipped lips is our best defense as we allow God to sort out the mental mess they are going through.

It does help to listen, validate, apologize if you recognize truth and what part you played. As yes, they do very much have valid hurts and need healing from things we did.

Facing a resentful, bitter, hostile spouse is NOT easy. It will bring out a lot of pride, offense, hurt and a “right” to defend yourself. It’s a battle two people can’t win until humility, wisdom, and understanding enters the mix.

Pride can’t win against a bitter and resentful person. True humility can. There is no place for pride that says “I have no reason to apologize and be a doormat.”

 

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1 ESV

A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger calms dispute. Proverbs 15:18

 

You must learn to be humble and love and through those things trusting God to work out the bitter root and help your spouse forgive so that the mountain of resentments will be tossed in the sea.

Patience and gentle talk can convince a ruler and overcome any problem. Proverbs 25:15 Contemporary English Version

 

Time, love, patience and above all…..love….will heal.

Some of us really did make a mess of our marriage and it took many many years, we have to allow God time to undo the part we played.

 

Standing with you.
Sheila Hollinger