I came from a childhood where I was controlled and bullied. Instead of that breaking my spirit and making me submissive, it made me strong in my desire to never be controlled again, by anyone. That included my husband and God. I have found this to be very common among women who have been hurt and wounded in their past, especially by men. They will use this hurt not to allow another man any right to harm them again. They do this by stepping into a strong leadership role, one we have labeled “wearing the pants.”

When I took on the role as head of our home, I did it through ways of which I am not proud. I share this because I want women to understand that what we are doing to men is wrong, and I know it hurts God’s heart. At the same time, men allowing this is just as wrong.

I taught my husband from very early on in our relationship that anything he said was up for debate, and he was going to lose the argument. To make my point, I backed up what I wanted with control and manipulation. I used tears, temper tantrums, silent treatments, and even seduction. And if that wasn’t enough, I belittled and exposed his faults to his family and friends, disguising it as humor and jokes.

He learned that I was not a safe place to share his wants, desires, fears, anger, or pain. He became afraid of me. Even now, there is still much damage to undo. For example, instead of telling me, “I believe this,” he will say, “My dad thinks we should……”

What did I do? I taught my husband that he was under my shadow and rule. That he had to be in agreement with me, not debate me, or there would be hell to pay. He became very passive. Very compliant and easygoing. He learned to zip his lips and give in.

I recently saw an article where a man and woman were celebrating over 60 years of marriage. When they asked him what the key to success was, he said: “I learned to be quiet.” This saddened my heart. Men were created to have dominion and authority; women were created from man to help. Men should not learn how to be quiet! They should not be beaten down, manipulated, and controlled into being quiet and submissive.

We do have a say, we do have a voice, but we have a place! When we overstep our place and use manipulation to get what we want, we are out of order! I have learned that every serious thing that I felt required debate, God took care of when I went to HIM FIRST, instead of refuting my husband. I took it to prayer, and God spoke to my husband. In doing so, my husband learned how to hear God, and how to make wise decisions for our family, without me in his ear mothering him.

I am learning every day how to keep my emotions in check, how to allow my husband to find his identity, be a husband, a father, and lead us. That means I practice zipping my lips and being a safe place for him.

Ladies, we want that knight in shining armor, but we can’t want it, and be afraid of it! Let go of the fears of the past, call that MAN OF GOD into existence through being a loving, loyal, and submissive wife, and watch God move!

“And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” (Gen 2:18)

“For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, for as much as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man. For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.” (1Co 11:7-9)

“But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.” (1Co 11:3)

God healed me of my fears, He healed my husband of his fear and shyness of taking responsibility and his rightful place. He taught my husband how to trust in what he was seeing from me as real heart-change repentance. Together He taught us how to walk in our roles and submit to Him.

Standing with you,
Sheila Hollinger 

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