Running Ahead of Schedule-Marriage Restoration

I look back over my 7-year storm, and I see so many places, and I mean SO many situations where I misjudged the situation and made things so much more than they really were.

Out of my desperation for reconciliation, desperation for ANYTHING good, really, I misled myself a lot.

I remember once I invited my husband to come with me to the family holiday. He said yes right away. I made up my mind that this was positive in the right direction. He wouldn’t have said yes if he didn’t want to work on our marriage right? He would not have said yes, had that other woman been important? Right? He would not have said yes if…..??? And the list went on and on.

The problem with my list, was it cloaked the hard heart and what he temporarily was walking in. I forgot all about the place of darkness he was snared in and I set him up with my expectations to fall hard and hurt me deeply. I had the day planned out and left no room for his state of darkness. I expected him to do exactly as he had always done. Be a loving, considerate, caring husband. So when he showed up exactly the opposite, sat in his car for hours talking to her on the phone, passed out on my brother’s couch, and slept through Easter dinner, I got angry at him. I got angry from the hurt that he caused me. From the disappointment that he didn’t live up to my expectations.

“Why did you come?” I screamed!
“I don’t know. I thought that was what I was supposed to do. Be with my kids.”

I was angry all day. Gone was the importance of Easter, all I cared about was the fact that this perfect day, the day I had so much hope in because I had decided him being there showed me how he really felt about me, had been ruined. Gone was my imagined beginning of restoration or hope that he was changing and finally waking up.

I look back on this and see how many times I did this. Every single time he was kind, caring, and considerate. He reached out a bit more than normal, showed up unexpectedly, sent that text just to say hi, or said the words “I love you.” I RAN far ahead of what it really meant. And I ran so far that I got so deep into a place that only brought me devastating pain and disappointment. It was like I went from super high, to the pits of hell in my pain and anger. Each time dipping lower and lower into a pit of “I am DONE!” I am so tired of HIM hurting ME.

I look back and see clearly now. Did he really say “I am going to change and come home and be your husband again.” When he sent that text that said, “I am sorry, I do love you. I’m just a mess right now.” Or did he say just what he said, and I am the one that made it so much more?

Did he say, “It’s time for all your pain to be over and us to go back to normal.” When he said, “I know I need to go back to church and stop talking to her.”

When he asked us out for the day and we had a great time, laughing and flirting and I saw the man I married, did I really think that meant he had cut all ties with the other woman and repented and would never hurt me again?

I know that sounds ludicrous now that I look back, but that is EXACTLY what I would believe. I may not have allowed myself to think or say it, but something inside of me went there. My expectations? My hope? I don’t know, but I went so high, that went I found out nothing had changed, and I felt the fool again for getting my hopes up, I burned with MORE raging anger and hurt than I had been. I made vows to never fall for it again. I made promises to be smarter, and wiser, to never give him another chance or access to my emotions. I made boundaries. I toyed with the idea of divorce, revenge, hurting him back some way for what he had just done.

I look back and see he had not done near what I had made it out to be. He had never said to me what I heard him say. Never acted in a way, that I made him act out in my mind. My desperation and hope had misled me. And more importantly, God had never given me the word that it was it. In fact, I remember always asking God and not hearing anything and then dismissing it. Sometimes I did hear the warning and dismissed that too.

There is something very misleading about being desperate. We see things, tell ourselves things, and desire things to happen way before it’s time. We make up our own lies and expect them to follow the plans we create.

I was so horribly affected by the roller coaster; because I could not stop myself from jumping on and off, I came up with a plan. Since I never knew what life would be like that night, would he come home? Would I be pacing the floor until 3 am? Was he going to show up and take us where he said? I decided to take that from him and put the power back into my hands.

Every day I planned my life around me and what I had control over. ME. If he chose to join us, that was great. I made room in my plans for that. BUT my plans didn’t fall apart if he didn’t live up to his end. I was able to leave room for hope that he would come join us and we would have a nice time. But I also learned to be real with myself, and I knew that he was still not right. Still in a dark hole, still lusting after sin and very selfish, and that meant he was easily lured and tempted away. Now that I look back, I can see things he told me flat out that I refused to hear and listen to. I was in denial and didn’t want to take what he was saying because it made me afraid. When he said, “I am not to be trusted.” he was honest and that honesty was not what I wanted to hear so I threw it away and chose to believe he would not lie to me.

Also, I was always declaring the Word of God over him. Always speaking and calling out the man of God I knew him to be. So how was I to do that, while guarding myself? Without expecting more from him? Without getting my hopes up for him?

I can see it’s about timing. About believing for something that is coming, but using wisdom to know that it’s not arrived yet.

Discretion will preserve you; Understanding will keep you, Proverbs 2:11

In the wilderness, heading to the promise land is a huge part of the journey. It’s when we are IN the wilderness, and we decide ” this is our promise land.” And we start to set things up and make it nice and comfy and act like we have arrived in the promised land. We can bring in all sorts of things that are counterfeit and bring the illusion of the land of milk and honey. But that fruit is not there. And you will soon realize this. This is NOT the promised land and they are not repentant changed spouse you thought they would be. And of course, you blame them and place all your hurt and anger on them.

We have to walk in wisdom and know when that times comes, it will be undeniable. The fruit won’t leave room for doubts and questions. You won’t have that nagging voice saying “this is not what restoration is supposed to look like.”

So, be careful about desperation. About misleading yourself with very high hopes and expectations that set you up to fall hard. Keep things in balance and perspective and don’t settle for the wilderness being your land of milk and honey. Accept where they are at in the journey for now, and that will help protect you. Give God praise and thanks for the positives. For the confessions and the realness. Thank Him for the kindness and softening and the times when you get to see the man or woman of God in them shining through.

I don’t want this message to be misunderstood as I am saying we should not have hope, not expect BIG things. We absolutely are. We are also to stand firm and believe for every single promise God has told us to come to pass. Let godly wisdom be your protection.

Do not forsake wisdom, and she will preserve you; love her, and she will guard you. Proverbs 4:6

Standing with you,
Sheila Hollinger